When Fangirls Attack
by electrocuted-elf
Summary: Oh no! Fangirls have kidnapped Frodo! Fellowship, Faramir, and Eowyn to the rescue!
1. Default Chapter

Chapter 1: FANGIRLS!!!!!

Disclaimer: I think it should be obvious that I don't own lotr, or anything affiliated with it

Scene: Aragorn, Gimli, Legolas, Sam, Merry, Pippen, Gandalf, Faramir, Eowyn, Arwen, and Frodo are all sitting in Legolas's living room, half asleep, sprawled over his various pieces of furniture.

            "This is exciting," said the ever sardonic Gimli, as a loud, collective yawn arose from the crowd.

"What do you suggest we do?" snapped Arwen.

"I know!" exclaimed Frodo "We could…wait…no…I lost it…"

Aragorn sat up "I have an idea!"

Everyone instantly perked up (Aragorn's ideas never fail to please/amuse anyone).

"Let us hunt some orc."

With a collective groan, everyone flopped back down onto the various chairs, couches, tables, bits of carpet and floor, and piano that they had been lying or sitting on.

"The last of the orcs have been hunted down and killed, incase you haven't noticed, genius."

"*!&@^#%$," said Aragorn "There might still be a few pockets of resistance you dingbat!"

"Aragorn son of Arathorn!  Do not call me a dingbat!"  Gandalf rose to his feet with a swish of his robe, gripping his staff threateningly.

Aragorn reached for Anduril, before remembering that Thrandil had confiscated it two days before, when Aragorn had gotten into a fight with Legolas.

Things were beginning to look very dark for poor, unarmed Aragorn, as Gandalf advanced on him, swinging his staff menacingly, when Merry unwittingly saved him by squealing "Ooooh!  I know, I know!"

"What is it Merry?" asked Eowyn, in an attempt to be polite and rescue Aragorn.

"We can go hunt _spiders!!!"_

"What?!?!"

"You know!  Those _reeaaaally _really big ones that Bilbo talks about in _There and Back Again!!!"_

"Oooh.  Good Idea!" said Frodo.

The suddenly rejuvenated group ran around, collecting various weapons.  Just as they were about to leave, they noticed that Legolas, Pippen, Faramir, and Frodo were all fast asleep, and Merry was about to wake Legolas up in a particularly unpleasant way, involving a glass of ice cold water.

"Some things never change," muttered Sam.

"NO MERRY!!!" Aragorn screamed, tackling him.  "Legolas is _not a morning person."_

"IT'S NOT MORNING YOU IDIOT!!!" yelled Gimli, who had been drenched with icy water when Aragorn tackled Merry.

Sighing, Aragorn explained "what I mean is that you do not want to be caught dead waking Legolas up, even from a nap."

With just about everyone in a bad mood, they filed out of the door.

Ten minutes later: Rubbing his eyes and yawning, Frodo sat up.

Looking around, he saw Pippen, sitting, cheerful as a lark, on the piano, Faramir asleep in an arm chair, and Legolas asleep on a couch.

"Psst!  Faramir!" whispered Frodo.

"Huuuh?" said Faramir, still groggy as he sat up and rubbed the sleep from his eyes.

 "OOOOO!" said Pippen, pulling a yellow post it off of the door "a note from Eowyn to Faramir."

"Give me thaaaat!" yelled Faramir, diving for the post it.

There was a loud crash as Faramir and Pippen smashed into each other, which woke Legolas up.

"@#$%^&*!" yelled Legolas.

Deciding to get revenge on Faramir, Legolas pulled the post it off of the door off the door and read it aloud.

Dear Faramir,

I have gone with everyone but you, Pippen, Legolas, and Frodo to hunt spiders.

See you soon!

Love,

Eowen

"Well it was nothing personal, Fara…"

Legolas trailed off, looking at Pippen and Faramir, who were staring in a very confused way at Frodo.

"Frodo?"

Frodo's large blue eyes were bugging out to twice their normal size.  He made a choking, gasping sound.

"They're here…they've come," he said, his eyes rolling up into his head.

They all stared uncertainly at Frodo, until they heard the shrill, ecstatic screams that explained everything.

"FANGIRLS!" yelled Faramir.

"EEP," squeeked Pippen, diving under a couch.

"Oh @#$*$%#!" said Legolas and Faramir simultaneously, joining Pippen under the couch.

"Where are Gandalf and Gimli when we need them?" asked Legolas.

Frodo, however, instead of doing the smart thing, and hiding under the couch, was staring, transfixed, at the doorway.

And then they came.  Fangirls, their high pitched shrieks morphing into sobs upon seeing Frodo.  They instantly encircled Frodo, sobbing, and some of them saying things that I absolutely cannot write if I am planning to keep this fic PG.

Despite his best efforts to keep the fangirls at bay, Frodo was quickly picked up by the fangirls who then disappeared into Mirkwood, and hopped onto their bright pink helicopter that was headed for the USA.

A FEW MINUTES LATER: Aragorn, Gimli, Sam, Merry, Gandalf and Arwen all returned, to see Faramir with his head in his hands, and Legolas, awkwardly hugging Pippen, who was crying into his shoulder.

"Pippen, please don't cry.  Pippen, it's okay.  Pippen!  My shoulder is soaked!!!  PIPPEN!!!  YOU ARE GIVING THE SLASH WRITERS IDEAS!!!!!!"

"What happened?" asked Eowyn.

Faramir looked up.  "Frodo was kidnapped by…by…" he shook his head sadly.

"By who?" Said Aragorn.

"Fangirls," said Legolas, his face stony.

"Why are we sitting around then?"  Asked Aragorn.

"What do you suggest we do?"  Asked Legolas.

"Follow the fangirls and rescue Frodo!  Where did the fangirls go?"

"Well, their accents _sounded_ American."

"USA, here we come," muttered Gimli darkly.

Well what did you think?  Huh?  PLEEEEAAASE review!! #$%^&*!" a loud crash as Faramir and Pippen smashed into eachother, which woke Legolas up.an arm chairashing away the taste of 


	2. The Insane Environmentalist Peacenik Elv...

Chapter 2: The insane, environmentalist, peacenik elves of Mirkwood.

Disclaimer:  WOULD THE EVIL PHSYCO WHO INVENTED DISCLAIMERS PLEASE STAND UP????  Ahem…I don't own LotR…or any pickup trucks or Toyota Prius's for that matter…

Scene:10:00 PM, everyone is grouped outside, holding their suitcases.

"So…whose car are we going in?" asked Faramir.

"Well which of us has a car that seats ten people?" asked Gandalf.

"That would be us," said Arwen.

"Yeah…" said Aragorn "Black SUV, parked around the back."

"ARAGORN!!!" chided Legolas "You know those aren't environmentally sound!"

"YEAH!" said, Merry and Pippen simultaniously.

"Shut UP, Perry and Mippen!!  I mean Merren and Pippy!  I mean OH BLOODY HELL!!!" screamed Aragorn.  Turning to Legolas he said "You are single!!!  You have no kids!!!!  You don't have to find a way to cart six kids around Gondor!!!"

"Dude, calm down," said Gandalf.

Aragorn was busy shooting murderous looks at Legolas, and had a hand on Anduril, which Merry and Pippen had _somehow found._

"Legolas…" muttered Gandalf out of the side of his mouth, handing him the keys that he had filched out of Aragorn's pocket "this might be a good time for you to go get the car…"

"What?" said Legolas, pulling out his knives "I can take him.  Punk," he added, directing the comment at the slowly advancing Aragorn.

"Please, just do it," said Gandalf.

"FINE," huffed Legolas, and went stomping around to the parking garage in the back of the palace.

Everyone started backing away from Aragorn, including Arwen.

"ARAGORN!!" came Legolas's British accented voice from around the back of the palace "you might want to come check this out!!!"

Muttering to himself, Aragorn began stomping around the palace.  Glancing at each other, everyone else charged after him.  There was a loud crash, and many four-letter words, but in the end, everyone managed to get around the palace, with no serious injuries.

"Come check this out," said Legolas, pointing to Aragorn and Arwen's car's tires, all of which had been shot out with arrows that looked suspiciously like Legolas's.

"LEGOLAS!!" everyone yelled.

"DUDE!" said Aragorn "Just because I lost my temper at you didn't mean you had to go and…"

"Hey!  Don't look at me!" said Legolas.

"Who was it then?" asked Aragorn.

"Don't look now," Muttered Legolas "but it was them."

He nodded discreetly towards a group of surly looking teen elves, all armed with bows and arrows, and sporting black T-shirts with IEPEM emblazoned on them in bright yellow.

"What does ey-pem mean?" asked Pippen.

"It doesn't mean anything, Pippen," muttered Legolas "it stands for 'Insane Environmentalist Peacenik Elves of Mirkwood.'  And don't even _start with them Aragorn.  They have no sense of honor, and will stop at __nothing to get their point across."_

"What is their point?" muttered Aragorn.

"That SUVs are bad."

"Well now what?" snapped Eowyn.

"We take my car," said Legolas.

He lead them through the garage to a silver Toyota Prius, and began to load everyone's suitcases into it.

"Alright.  No Problem," said Aragorn, beginning to help Legolas load the car.

"Um, yes, I have a problem," said Gimli.  "This is a five seater.  There are ten of us."

Everyone groaned.

"Alright…" said Gandalf,raising his staff above his head "…yes…only way…stand back everyone."

"Here we go," muttered Aragorn, backing up.

"Gandalf!" Yelled Legolas "Just what do you think you're…"

WHACK!!  Everyone began to cough and sputter as they were enveloped in a cloud of smoke, dust and faintly bluish stars.

As soon as the smoke, dust, and faintly bluish stars had cleared, everyone saw that Prius was now a ten-seater, and it was bright turquoise.

"*#@$!" said Legolas.

"Eeesh," murmured Gandalf "Nasty side effect!"

"Why the $#@%! Did you turn my @%$#! Car turquoise, Gandalf?!?!"

"It was a side effect!  I could try to change it back."

"NO!  If you did, there would probably be a bumper sticker that said 'I am a pervy dwarf fancier' or something equally hideous!"

"Well, um actually, now that you mention it…" Merry trailed off.

"What?!?!?!?!" said Legolas.  Merry pointed to the back of the car.

Legolas charged to the back of the car, where there was a hot pink bumper sticker that proclaimed in large, bold, acid green letters I AM A PERVY DWARF FANCYING ELF!!!!

"OH MY GOD!!!  I HATE YOU, GANDALF!!!!!"

Legolas launched himself at Gandalf and grabbed his staff.

"NOT THE STAFF!!"

After Legolas had finally managed to wrest the staff from Gandalf grasp, he began whacking the car with it, causing the car to go from turquoise to hot pink, to bright red, to canary yellow, to dazzling white, to fiery orange in a matter of seconds, but the bumper sticker remained on the car until finally, with a loud BOOM, the car turned lime green, and the bumper sticker disappeared (Merry and Pippen later reflected on it, and came to the conclusion the it was the force of the blow combined with the combination of four-letter words Legolas used at that moment that finally made the bumper sticker disappear).

"IN THE CAR!!"  said Legolas.

Everyone began to pile in the car, trying to get a seat as far away form Legolas as possible.  Suddenly, they again heard the faint, but unmistakable shrieks of fangirls.

"AAAAA!" screamed all the males in the group simultaneously, and dove into the car.

Eowyn drew her sword, and Arwen began speaking in elvish, calling on the wind and the trees to help her.

Turning to Eowyn, Arwen said "You go with them.  They're going to need _someone to protect them on the road."_

"Are you sure?" asked Eowyn.

Arwen nodded.

"Good luck holding the fangirls off," Said Eowyn, quickly hugging Arwen.  Jumping into the car, Eowyn yelled "Let's go!  They're almost upon us!"

"I'm not leaving Arwen!" said Aragorn desparatly.

"I'll be fine!" said Arwen, blowing him a kiss "And I hope that you remembered to pack clean underwear!"

Then she turned back and began chanting in elvish again, just as the first of the fangirls appeared.

"AAAA!" yelled Legolas, attempting to buckle his seatbelt, rev the car, and lock the doors all at once.

With a scream of the wheels, not to mention a scream of all the males in attendance the were off in a cloud of dust, leaving the fangirls, Arwen, the IEPEM, the palace, and soon Mirkwood altogether, behind.

HAHAHA HYPERNESS+RANDOMNESS=FUUUUUN

YAY!  6 reviews

Eollan: Thanks!

DiamondTook3: YAY!  SOMEONE WHO LIKES THE ALLCAPS KEY ALMOST AS MUCH AS ME!!  Ahem.  Thank you.  YAAAY!

Feather in a Pillow: GO PIPPEN!!  Heehee.

Taraondoiel: hehe…yeah…I couldn't help having a little dig at that part of TTT…I always thought it was a bit silly. Other than that **thanks**!

Nutmeg Took, AlA and pReCiOuS: THANK YOU.  Go you for being random!!!

Galadriel_in_disguise: THANK YOU!!  CH. 6 OF YOUR FANFIC ROCKS!!!  Is it raining in Northern Washington?  It's fake wannabe raining here.  Aragorn is sexier than Pippen?  HAH, that's what you think.  But then again, it's just as well that you think that because Pippen is MINE!!!!  Five million times more in love with Aragorn than you were.  WOW.  BOROMIR LIVES!!!!

PLEASE REVIEW!!!!!!!!


	3. The Travails of Eowyn

Disclaimer: I don't own **_notices everyone is asleep_** AHEM!  I DON'T OWN…**_notices that everyone is still asleep,_** **_picks up a trumpet that was lying on the floor, and plays a painfully high D on it._**  Everyone: WHAT THE @#!~_$%^&*+!!!! Disclaimer: I DON'T OWN LOTR!!!!! Everyone: WE KNOW!!!

Scene: The Fellowship and Faramir and Eowyn are in Maine, driving southwest, Legolas is still driving, Gandalf is repairing his staff with pieces of duct tape, Sam is writing in his journal, Gimli, Faramir, and Eowyn are playing duces in the back, Aragorn has somehow found a way to track the florescent pink helicopter, and is giving Legolas directions, Merry is doing his best not to be annoying, and Pippen…

"Raindrops are falling on my head!" chirped Pippen, cheerful as a lark, and still singing despite everyone else's best efforts to stop him.  "Raindrops are falling but…"

"Pippen!" Merry whispered sharply, in one last attempt to stop him from singing "It's not raining any more!"  This was actually quite true, because as soon as the sun had gone down the temperature, which was already a bone-chilling 35 F, had plummeted to 23, and the rain had turned into snow.

For a moment, Pippen quieted, with a contemplative look on his face, and then…"Snow flakes are falling on my head!!"

"NOOOOOOOOOO!" everyone groaned.

The car stopped suddenly.  There was a pause as everyone took a breath in, and then Merry timidly asked "What happened?"

"Legolas's bad driving skills combined with Aragorn's lame tracking skills happened," muttered Gimli.

"I HEARD THAT YOU TWERP!" yelled Legolas, throwing one of his boots at Gimli, which hit Faramir instead.

"!@#$%^&*" yelled Faramir, attempting to slap Legolas upside the head, but managing to slap Aragorn instead.  Soon a fight the proportions of which had not been seen since the counsel of Elrond was breaking out inside the oversized lime green Prius, until Eowyn's voice rose, loud and clear, over everyone elses.

"SHUT UP!!!" she screamed "Who's idea was this?"

"Aragorn's," said an incredibly pissed Legolas.

Eowyn turned to Aragorn "well?"

"I did not tell legolas to drive up an icy hill that we are now going to have to drive back down," said Aragorn "He probably misheard me."

Shaking her head, Eowyn said "Legolas, trade seats with me."

"Why should I?" muttered the irritated Legolas.

"You should because I will only fell safe if this car is not being driven by someone who is not paranoid or preoccupied with the thoughts of fangirls, which amounts to, well, just me," said Eowyn.

Eowyn and Legolas climbed over the middle bench seat and traded seats, Eowyn buckling herself into the drivers seat while Legolas attempted to wedge himself into the small middle seat between Faramir and Gimli, both of whom were wearing bulky leather armor.

Eowyn put the car in the lowest gear possible, and gently touched a foot to the accelerator, and the car began inching down the hill.

"I sin_cerely_ hope this car has four-wheel drive," muttered Aragorn.

There was a loud skidding sound, and Eowyn jammed on the break as the car began to skid down the hill.

It was looking like certain doom for everyone in the Prius, but just as they got to the road, Eowyn turned the steering wheel, causing them to turn onto the road (an interstate freeway as it turns out).  With a cheer, and a loud battle cry, she gunned the accelerator, and the fellowship theme began playing, strong and clear.

_Later_: everyone but Aragorn (who is driving) is asleep, under the various cloaks, blankets, and sleeping bags they brought.

With a start, Pippen woke up.  "Merry!" he whispered, shaking the hobbit in question "Merry!!"

"What is it, Pip?" muttered Merry.

"What's that glow on top of the car?"

"Street light," murmured Merry.  "Go back to sleep."

DiamondTook3: THANK YOU THANK YOU THANK YOU!!  I'm happy that this fic gave you a much-needed laugh!

The Dark Wanderer:  Ah yes, poor Frodo.  Aragorn is cool, but good luck stealing him from Arwen as well as all of his other Fangirls (ha ha).  Thanks for reviewing.

mirielle: Aragorn and Legolas shall never escape the shadow of doom and forboding that hangs over them…the shadow of Fangirls.  Hee hee.  Yeah, I love Merry too.  Who couldn't?  (Go Merry Go!!)  Ahem.  Please excuse the random and hyperness.

As always, I would greatly appreciate it if you would be so kind as to review.


	4. WHY LEGOLAS, WHY?

Disclaimer: I don't own LotR and I am REALLY SICK OF HAVING TO SAY THAT!!!!!

A/N: this chapter is not very good…I am rather dead at the moment.

It was 4:00 AM, Aragorn was still driving, and everyone else was asleep…

"Who's $@%&ing idea was it to not stop at a Motel 6 and drive ALL NIGHT," Growled Aragorn.

No one answered, so Aragorn drove for a while in a moody silence.  Finally, he heard the first stirring from one of the hobbit sized sleeping bags.

"No doubt that's the ever cheerful Pippin," muttered Aragorn.

Sure enough, Pippin's head popped out of his bright yellow sleeping bag a moment later.

"Good morning Aragorn!" He chirruped.

"I'm glad YOUR awake, Mr. Merry Sunshine," snarled Aragorn.

"I'm not Merry!" said Pippin "HE'S Merry."  He pointed at Merry's bright orange sleeping bag.  "And his last name isn't sunshine either.  It's…"

"Brandybuck," finished Aragorn, shaking his head dispairingly.  "If you are positively incapable of saying anything that even remotely resembles intelligent conversation, then go back to sleep."

"HEY!" said a voice from inside a bright orange, hobbit sized sleeping bag "you be nice to my friend Pippin!"  A particularly large mushroom bounced off of the back of Aragorn's head.

Muttering something about imbecilic hobbits to himself, Aragorn fell silent.

Much more slowly, and in a much less cheerful fashion then Merry and Pippin, people began to wake up.

At seven o'clock, the fellowship plus Eowyn and Faramir had been driving for twelve hours down Interstate 95 and had passed from Maine to New Hampshire.

"I'm hungry!" complained Merry "Can we stop at that Denny's over there?"

"NO!" chorused Gimli, Aragorn, and Gandalf.

Suddenly, Pippen, with a can of whipped cream in his hand had launced himself through the air, and was squatting, a la the Matrix, on the headrest of Aragorn's seat.

"Don't make me do anything violent," He said, aiming the nozzle of the whipped cream can threateningly at Aragorn's hair.

"ALRIGHT, ALRIGHT!" said Aragorn resignedly, pulling off of the highway.

Five minutes later: All nine people (or people, elves, dwarves, wizards and hobbits, as it were) were crammed into a booth at Denny's.

Legolas disappeared into the bathroom, the moment they arrives.  The waitress who was serving them looked to be about 19, and was excessively giggly and flirty, especially with Aragorn and Faramir.  Eowyn glowered.

"Hi," she giggled "I'm Mary-Sue and…"

"AAAUUUGGGHHH!!!" screamed everyone.  Eowyn drew her sword, and everyone else made a dash for the door.  Once she was sure everyone was safely outside, she ran outside and leapt into the car with everyone else.

"Someone's been messing with my toiletry bag," commented Aragorn.  "My razors gone."

"That should be the least of your worries right now, especially considering that you never USE  the razor anyway!" yelled Faramir "Now let's go!!"

Just as they were about to pull out, Sam yelled "WAIT!!  Where's Legolas."

"Still in the bathroom, no doubt."

"I'll get him," said Eowyn, grimly clutching her sword.  "I do not fear Mary-Sues."

Once she charged inside the resturaunt, it took her no time at all to locate the waitress.

"WHERE IS HE?" Eowyn snarled, swishing her sword threateningly "WHAT DID YOU DO WITH HIM?!?!?"

"Who?" squeeked the waitress.

"LEGOLAS!  Tallish, lean, long, blond hair…"

"He went into the bathroom!" the waitress squeeked.

Eowyn charged to the door of the mens' bathroom.  "Legolas!  You in there?"

Silence.

"Legolas?"

Silence.

"Legolas, if you do not get your narrow @$# out here by the time I count to three, I am coming in there and kicking it from here to next Tuesday.  OOOooooonnnne… Twooooooooooooooooo…THREE!"  Eowyn kicked the door open, and stopped dead.

There was Legolas, standing as the sink, Aragorn's razor in his hand.  His hair…all of his gorgeous blond hair…was in a pile on the floor next to him.

"Oh…my…god…" said Eowyn.

"You sound like a Mary-Sue," Legolas informed her absently.

"Speaking of Mary-Sue's there _is one out there, so I suggest you haul your @$# out to the car."_

"ACCCKKKK!!" Screamed Legolas, sprinting towards the door of the resturaunt.  Eowyn sprinted after him, but then paused.  Striding over to Mary-sue, she slapped her "That's for flirting with Faramir," she slapped her again "and that's for flirting with Aragorn.  They're both taken and you don't have a chance with them."

She strode out the door and into the car.  "Let's go."

No one heard her though.  They were all staring at Legolas.

"Are you out of your MIND?" asked Gimli.

"Desperate times call for desperate measures," Said Legolas "I was trying to make myself unsexy."

"But…" Said Aragorn "You gave yourself a…"

"CREW CUT!" everyone said.

A/N: I'm REALLY SORRY that I haven't posted in so long, I've been gone for eleven days with NO INTERNET ACCESS

REVIEWS:

Galadriel_in_disguise: Sounds strange doesn't it: I claim to love Pippin, but I can't spell his name…strange…almost MARY-SUEISH.  But at least I haven't given him an abysmal nickname or written a story where he falls hopelessly in love with me…YET!!!  Mwahaha!!!  (Scared yet?) 

DiamondTook3: SORRY THAT I HAVEN'T UPDATED IN SO LONG!!!

Mirielle: No, it wasn't a street light.  Next chapter, you'll find out what it is…

Snowspectre: Well what female who watches LotR could help but be a fangirl, shrill and teenybopperish or otherwise.

Galadriel_in_disguise: Ha…I wouldn't REALLY subject you (or anyone) to a mary sue fic.


	5. what was glowing on the car?

Disclaimer: ….

Me: ALRIGHT!!!  WHAT HAPPENED TO MY DISCLAIMER?!?!?!?!?!?

Merry: I ate it.  I'm sorry.

Me: You ATE my disclaimer?!?!?!  I thought only PIPPIN did that!!!

Merry: It looked like a mushroom _large hobbit eyes I LIKE mushrooms._

Me: I REALIZE that….arrrrrgggghhhh!!!  NOW I have to find a new, and possibly even more boring disclaimer!!  _Gives Merry a murderous look.___

Merry: MEEP!! _Runs away.___

A/N: If you are Peter Jackson or Christopher Tolkien or whatever, which I SERIOUSLY DOUBT, but anyway, lets just say, that if you are, please don't sue me.  As I said, Merry ate my disclaimer.

A/N: Why doesn't my spell checker recognize 'Tolkien'?

Scene: still on I-95, somewhere in southern New Hampshire, Merry, yes, Merry is driving.

"WHO'S bright idea was it to put Merry behind the wheel?" asked Gandalf, as they swerved through various lanes, skidded across a patch of black ice, and nearly rear-ended a Honda Civic.

"Well, strictly speaking, it's not just Merry," said Sam, calmly "His feet don't even reach the gas pedal."

"Then how the !@#$% are we doing one twenty on the WRONG SIDE OF THE HIGHWAY?!?!" yelled Gandalf, as they skidded to a halt within one millimeter of what would have been a very painful crash with a bus.

"See for yourself!" said Sam, cheerful as ever, pointing under the driver's seat.

There was Pippin, giggling insanely, ignoring the brake, and pushing the gas pedal at random moments.

"FOOL OF A TOOK!!!!" yelled Gandalf, pulling him out from under the seat by the hem of his Lorien cloak.

"YOU SPOIL MY FUN, SAM!!!" yelled Pippin, sticking his tongue out at Sam.

"Do they have drivers ed in hobbitooooonnnnn?!?!?!?!" yelled Legolas, as Merry screamed "The Shire!!!" and pounced on the gas pedal.

"Drivers what?" said Merry, sitting on the gas pedal.

"Oh &^%$#@." Said Aragorn.  They were coming up on a limosene at about 180 MPH.

Everyone stared in terror at the limo as they sped closer to it.

Suddenly, the fellowship theme came blasting, strong and true, through the stereo, and Pippin, of all people, screamed "AIEEEEEEEE!!", dove through the air, and grasping the wheel, threw it sideways, and pulled them out of the lane with the limo, in the nick of time.

"I never thought," muttered Gandalf, "That I would live to se a day that would be saved by Peregrin Took."

Later: "Hey Faramir," said Aragorn.  "Take a look at Legolas will you?"

"I see nothing strange." Said Faramir "Tall, lean, brown eyes, perfectly coiffed, long blonde hair…"

"Say that again," said Aragorn.  "Think about what you just said."

"Long blonde…hair."

"Oh…my…God…" said Faramir and Aragorn, looking at each other simultaneously.

"Maybe it's something Elf Hair does…" said Faramir.

"He gave himself a crew cut at eight, and by three his hair is rib length again…not to mention…it seems to be self-braiding…" muttered Aragorn.  "Let's not tell him.  It wouldn't really help anything, and he would get pissed."

NIGHT FALL: Gandalf was driving, because Pippin, despite his spectacular save, was force to relinquish it to him.  Everyone was asleep, except Pippin, and Merry, who he was keeping awake.

"Merry!  The top of the car's glowing again!"

"It's a STREETLIGHT.  Go to sleep."

"It's NOT a streetlight.  It's green."

"Gandalf!!  Pippin is convinced that there is something glowing on top of the car!!  Will you go check??"

With a long suffering sigh, Gandalf pulled over and stepped out of the car.

"Hobbits…worrying about a…street……light…"

As it turned out, the glow _wasn't a street light.  Someone was sleeping on top of the car.  Someone bright green, transparent, and glowing._

Gandalf hadn't noticed, but everyone had filed out of the car and was grouped around him.

"It LOOKS like…" said Aragorn.

"It couldn't be," said Legolas.

"It is." Said Gandalf.

The figure slowly sat up.  "Hello, dudes," said Boromir, or rather, Boromir's ghost.

A/N: Wheeee!  Yay!  Go Boromir!!!!!!!!!!!

DiamondTook3: THANK YOU!!!  I  GREATLY APPRECIATE the fact that you like my fic!  THANKYOUTHANKYOUTHANKYOU!!

Mirielle: yup.  Legolas wants the fangirls to stop chasing him, but his plots to make himself unsexy to his fangirls will NEVER WORK.  MWAHAHAHAHA!!!!  Ahem.  Thanks for reviewing.  By the way, I may be 'mortal', but I am not 'puny'!!

Galadriel_in_disguise: I hope you get a lead in the play too!!!  Just how many times have you seen FotR???  ACK!!!!!  MARY-SUES=EVIIIIIL

The Dark Wanderer: THANKS.  Yeah…my apologies to all of the Legolas fans.

Aeccu: Yup.  Legolas buzzed his hair.  Thanks so much for reviewing!!


	6. Humans better than Hobbits?

Disclaimer: I don't own LotR.

A/N: I know this chapter kind of sucks, and I'm sorry

Scene: Everyone is trying to get Aragorn and Merry to shut up (except Pippin, who is egging them on) because they are having a HUMONGOUS argument about who is better: hobbits or humans.

"It is so OBVIOUSLY hobbits," said Merry "HOBBITS destroyed the ring, and the witchking would NEVER have died if not for a Hobbit, Faramir and Eowyn would be dead if not for hobbits…"

"HUMANS!!!!" yelled Aragorn "HUMANS successfully defended Minas Tirith AND Helmsdeep, a HUMAN killed the witchking, a HUMAN at least TRIED to save Boromir…"

"And we see just how well that worked out," muttered Boromir.

"Shut UP Boromir!" yelled Aragorn "Shouldn't you be on my side?!?!  Anyway, AS I was saying…"

"They're worse than US," Gimli muttered to Legolas.

"I know.  I didn't think that was possible," said Legolas, in a hushed voice.

"Why don't we settle this with a practice full of honor and tradition," said Gandalf.  "Whenever the Istari would get into a dispute, we would settle it by…" he paused for effect "THUMBWRESTLING!!"

"NO FAIR!!" yelled Merry "his hands are twice the size of mine!!!"

"Merry," said Aragorn "We should just think of some sort of competition to settle this.  How 'bout we sword fight?"

"NO!!!"  shrieked Merry

"You should shoot," said Legolas.  This idea was greeted with a shout of "NO!!!" from the infamous M&P.

"You could have an EATING COMPITITION!!!" said Pippin.

"All you think about," said Aragorn disgustedly "is food.  And no.  NO WAY am I foolish enough to involve myself in an eating competition with a HOBBIT!!  Merry, you name the competition, and, as long as it is NOT eating, I will compete with, and beat you, at it, just to prove that humans are better than hobbits."

"Okay buddy," said Merry.  "I can drink you under the table any day of the week.  And there are conditions, too.  Winner gets to sing.  And loser has to dance to his song."

A couple of hours later, the oversized lime green Prius was parked outside of a pub somewhere in Connecticut with extremely bad lighting and dirty windows.  Merry and Aragorn sitting on opposite sides of a table, Eowyn, Faramir, and Boromir are all grouped around Aragorn, while Pippin and Sam are standing with Merry.  Legolas, Gimli, and Gabdalf have not picked sides, being neither hobbit nor human, and are seated.

"Nothing better than cheap amusement," muttered Legolas out of the side of his mouth to Gimli and Gandalf.

Gimli and Gandalf nodded their agreement.

"You can take him, dude," said Faramir to Aragorn.

"Yeah, man," said Boromir.  "Look how much bigger you are than him!"

"We shouldn't even be worried," said Eowyn "Meaning no offense to Merry, but he's such a little guy, I'm betting it takes eight shots at the most to knock him out cold."

"Ready to watch humans kick some hobbit @$#?" asked Aragorn.

"Yeah man," said Boromir.

On the other side of the table, Sam was saying "Obviously, we have the hobbit metabolism and alcohol tolerance on our side."

"Yeah," said Pippin "that, and you drink more than anyone I know, Merry."

"ME?!?!" snorted Merry.  "What about YOU?!?!"

"FOCUS, Merry!" hissed Sam.

Facing eachother, and shaking hands, Aragorn lifted his first shot glass and said "Before we begin, I propose a toast.  Here's to Merry, and to me.  May the best man win."

"Or hobbit," said Merry, lifting his shot glass.

Five minutes later, Merry and Aragorn both had about twenty empty shot glasses upside down in front of them.  Merry was showing no signs of tiring, but Aragorn was shiny with sweat, and shaking.

With trembling, sweaty fingers, Aragorn raised his glass to his lips.  He was about to swallow, when he put the glass down decisively.

"Enough." He said "I am going to puke if I have one more drop of alcohol."

Triumphantly throwing his twenty first shot down his throat, Merry crowed "I win!"

"MAAAAN!!" said Faramir, taking out a fistful of money and shoving it at Sam.

"You SELLOUT!" said Boromir disgustedly, throwing his wallet at Pippin.

"I'm sorry, Aragorn," said Eowyn, putting a hand on Aragorns shoulder.  Aragorn shook his head.

"GO MERRY!!" screamed Pippin "IT'S YOUR BIRTHDAY!!  WE'RE GONNAPARTY LIKE IT'S YOUR BIRTHDAY!!"

"Shut UP Pippin!" yelled everyone.

"I don't know what song to sing," said Merry.

"Why don't we think of it on the road.  After all, we're SUPPOSED to be rescuing Frodo, not goofing off in some third-rate pub," said Gandalf.

"Good idea," said Gimli.  So everyone got up with a scraping of chairs, piled into the Prius, and, with Gandalf driving again, drove off.

Hours later: They are now driving west.  I'm not sure what highway they were on, because I have misplaced my road map of the U.S., but I will tell you as soon as I figure it out.

"I feel nauseous," said Aragorn.

"Um, dude," said Boromir "You just drank twenty shots.  What do you expect?"

"It's not the alcohol.  It's them," said Aragorn, pointing to Merry and Pippin, who were writing in an ominous black notebook.

"I'VE GOT IT!!" yelled Merry suddenly, causing Gandalf to jam on the brakes.

"Got what?" Asked Aragorn incredulously.

"The lyrics!!  You have to waltz with Legsy to them!!!"

"DON'T CALL ME THAT!!" yelled Legolas "and I REFUSE TO DANCE WITH ARAGORN!!"

"You are going to dance with Aragorn whether you like it or not," Pippin informed him, cheerful as ever.

"Says who?" enquired Legolas, pulling an arrow on him.

"Says me," said Pippin, pulling a can of whipped cream and an overly large mushroom on Legolas.

"ALRIGHT, ALRIGHT!" said Legolas "just KEEP AWAY FROM ME WITH THAT MUSHROOM!!!"  They pulled over, and Aragorn and Legolas stepped out of the car.

"A-ahem," said Merry.  "Here is my song.  It's called why the world is cool."

"And incase you couldn't tell, because Merry can't carry a tune," said Pippin, "It's to the tune of 'my favorite things.'"

Trying to stay as far away from each other as it is possible to when you are required to make physical contact with the other person, Legolas and Aragorn began to waltz halfheartedly.

"I WANT TO SEE SOME MORE ENTHUSIASTIC WALTZING!!" Pippin yelled right before Merry began to sing:

_to__ the tune of 'My Favorite Things'_

Mushrooms and carrots and ale by the flagon

Singing and dancing down at the green dragon

Fireworks and pipeweed and being a fool,

Are just a few reasons why this world is cool

Hiking, horse riding and being annoying

Attacking Isengard from night until morning

Ripping orcs heads off without any tools

show that this world is incredibly cool

When the bashers bash

When the slashers slash

When the Mary-Sues DROOOOL

I'll remember how I kicked Aragorns butt

And know that this world…

IS COOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOL

As soon as Merry hit the last note, Aragorn and Legolas leapt ten feet away from each other.

"ENOUGH!" said Gandalf "You've finished your stupid bet, now if we could PLEASE get back to rescuing Frodo?"

A/N: I am sorry if I have offended anyone.

To my reviewers:

DiamondTook3: Before I say anything I must say: THANK YOU!!!  As always, I appreciate your review greatly.  YAH, Pippin save people from getting annihilated!! SQUEE!!

Aeccu: Yeah…Pippin driving…I don't know about you, but I, for one would NOT feel safe with a hobbit driving.

mirielle: Legolas shall NEVER ESCAPE FROM THE FANGIRLS!!!!!  NONE OF THEM WILL!!!  They are doomed to have rabid fans FOR ALL OF ETERNITY!!!!

The Dark Wanderer: yup.  Boromir rocks!!

THECheeseTurkey:  Stories where fangirls attack…YAY!!!!  Thanks for reviewing, and PLEASE continue to.

SuGaRbAbI513: THANKS!!!!!!!!

You, person reading this right now, whoever you may be, you need to review!!!!!!!  Yes, I mean you!!


	7. Galadriels Prophecy

Disclaimer: ZIP-A DEE DOO DA, ZIP-A-DEE-AY, I DON'T OWN LOTR ANYWAY, PLENTY OF SUNSHINE, HEADIN' MY WAY, ZIP-A-DEE DOO DA, ZIP-A-DEE-AY.

Disclaimer #2: I don't own any of the songs I mention in this chapter, either

A/N: In this chapter, they all read fanfics (naturally, pandemonium ensues).  As I wrote it, it became hard for me to tell the difference between the fic _I was writing, and the fics __they were reading, so I italicized all of the fics they were reading.  And I probably just confused you even more, so I'm sorry._

Galadriels Prophecy: One of these days, Pippin is going to drive all of you 'round the bend.

Everyone but Boromir is asleep.  Boromir is driving.  If a hobbit can drive so can a ghost.  They are now driving west on 84, and have just crossed the border into New York state.

Merry and Pippin's heads popped out of their sleeping bags at exactly the same moment.

"Time to get breakfast!" Pippin crowed.

"NO." said Boromir.

Pippin pulled an aluminum bat out of his duffel bag.

"So, we've upgraded our weapons, I see," said Boromir, without taking his eyes off of the road.

"Don't make me…" Pippin said.

"Make you what?" asked Boromir, in the same bored monotone.

"…Whack you in the head very, very hard," Pippin finished lamely.

"I'm not afraid of your stupid baseball bat," said Boromir.  "Cause _incase_ you hadn't noticed I'm a ghost.  That bat would go right through me."

Pippin flopped back down on his sleeping bag and pouted.   There was a stirring sound from the back, and Legolas's head emerged out from under his dark blue blanket which proclaimed, in large, swirling green font "I survived…killing a giant spider in Mirkwood."

"Idea," he said.

"What?" asked Boromir.

"I think we have three laptops between us, so if there were three of us to a laptop, Plus one person driving, we could research LotR fandoms and see if we could figure out where the fangirls headquarters are!"

"Dude," said Boromir "Why the HELL would you want to go there?"

"Cause we're rescuing Frodo from them!"

"Why does no one tell me these things?"  Asked Boromir.

"WAKE UP EVERYONE!!!!" yelled Pippin.  "We're going to find Frodo through the internet!!!!!"

"!@#$$%^%^&****()()**^_%+#_%+^!" yelled everyone.

Minutes later: Pippen, Sam and Merry have Gandalf's laptop, Gandalf, Eowyn, and Boromir have Aragorn's laptop, and Legolas, Gimli, and Aragorn have Legolas's laptop.  Faramir is driving.

"!@#$," said Legolas "My internet access is down."

"That can be easily remedied," said Gandalf, raising his staff.

"NO!!!" Yelled Legolas.

BAM.  A cloud of sparkly magenta smoke that smelled of cheese enveloped Legolas's Laptop, as well as Legolas's head.

"I HATE YOU GANDALF!!!!" yelled the coughing Legolas as the smoke thinned, and it became clear that the laptop now had internet access, as well as a large picture of J-Lo's head on the desktop, and was magenta.

"Calm down," said Gimli "Could be worse."  He glanced at the picture of J-Lo.  "A lot worse."

"Gimli, you perv!!!!" screamed Legolas, attempting to hit him over the head with the laptop.

"HEY!!" screamed Gimli "NO!!!  OWOWOWOWOWOW!!!! I DIDN'T MEAN THAT THE WAY IT SOUNDED!!!!!  I WAS _NOT_ REFERING TO J-LO!!!!  I DON'T EVEN LIKE HER!!!!"

Legolas stopped whacking Gimli with the laptop.

"For me to like her," said Gimli, "She'd have to be over two thousand years old, tall, and have a deeper voice and pointy ears."

"EWWWW!!!!" screamed Legolas "STAY AWAY FROM ME, YOU PERV!!!!"

He started whacking Gimli again.

"NO!!!" yelled Gimli "I WASN'T TALKING ABOUT YOU, I WAS TALKING ABOUT GALADRIEL!!!!!"

Muttering darkly to himself about what the state of his mental health would be once the trip was over, Legolas began searching google for various fandoms that he thought would be helpful.  

For a full fifteen minutes, all was silent except for the occasional "Click on that link will you?" and "No, that's not helpful."

Suddenly, there was a very quiet, but extremely traumatized "ewwwwwwwww," from Sam.

"What's wrong, Sam?" asked Aragorn.

"Ewwwww."

"Frodo and Sam were making out in Mordor!" sang Pippin.

"WE WERE NOT!!!" Yelled Sam.

"Let me read you a little excerpt," said Pippin.  _"'Frodo," said Sam, tears on his face "I think…this is the end…and…if it is…I wanted you to know…I love you.'  'Oh Sam,' said Frodo, smiling sadly 'I love you too.  I always have.'  And there, even as the world seemed to be ending around them, the two hobbit's lips met…"_

"NOOOOOO!!!!!!" screamed Sam "NOT TRUE!!!!  NOT TRUE!!!!  AAAAHHHHH!!!!!  MAKE HIM STOP!!!!  LALALALALA!!!!  I DON'T HEAR YOU, PIPPIN!!!!!  LALALALA!!!!!  O-OH SAY CAN YOU **_SEEEEEEEEE_…."**

"AND," said Pippin "Let me read you a pleasent little Mary-Sue!!"

"NOOOOO!!" yelled Legolas.

"_Elwing__ was the younger sister of Arwen, and, though there was no ill will between Arwen and Elwing, her elder sister had won everything she had ever desired, and Elwing had never won anything that she desired.  But this was all to change, one fateful day, when Elwing won the one thing that she had always desired.  And it was that one thing that Elwing prized above all others.  This one thing was the love of Legolas Greenleaf, Prince of Mirkwood._

_It had begun one day when Elwing stood on the bridge overlooking the peaceful river that flowed gently by Rivendell, looking wistfully at the fading Rivendell, and remembering the golden age of the elves, when Rivendell had been bright, golden, and beautiful._

_'Milady?' said a quiet, soothing, deep voice behind her._

_Elwing__ turned to see Legolas standing beside her.  'My lord,' she said, breathlessly._

_'It grows dark.  You should not linger out here.'_

_'I am in no danger here,' she said.  Even as she spoke, Legolas gently put a hand on her shoulder, and she trembled, a shudder visibly shaking her slender frame._

_'Milady, you are cold,' said the handsome and chivalrous elf, draping his cloak around her shoulders.'_

_'It is not the cold that makes me tremble,' she said, and with that, walked gracefully back up to her fathers house.  Legolas stared after her, stunned by the Ladies great beauty and grace._

_Upon the dawning of the next day, Legolas knocked on the Ladies door, and upon entering, discovered that she was making ready to leave._

_'where are you going, milady?' he asked._

_'I am coming with you, and the Fellowship,' she said._

_'The road is dangerous, and rough,' said Legolas.  'I would fear for your safety, should you come with us.'_

_'Shhhh," she said gently, silencing him with a kiss_…"

"I HATE YOU, PIPPIN!!!!" Screamed Legolas at the top of his lungs, putting his fingers in his ears.  "ZIP-A-DEE-DOO-DA, ZIP-A-DEE-AY, MY, OH MY-Y WHAT A WONDERFUL DAYYYY…"

"AND," said Pippin "an AU where Boromir gets the ring!"

"Thank you SO much for bringing up such a painful subject, Pippin," said Boromir, before he stuffed his fingers in his ears and began bellowing "ROOOOOOXANNE, YOU DON'T HAVE TO PUT ON THAT RED LIGHT, ROOOOOXANNE…"

Hours, and an AU where Faramir died, and Eowyn fell in love with Boromir, a Legolas/Aragorn slash, an Aragorn/Boromir slash, three Mary-Sues, a Legolas/Gimli slash, an AU where everyone died, a bash, a parody, and a Merry/Pippin slash (read by Aragorn, to get revenge on Pippin) later: Sam was still yelling out "the star spangled banner," Legolas was still screaming out "Song of the South" (aka "Zip-A-Dee-Doo-Da), Boromir was still bellowing "Roxanne," Faramir had begun singing the Gondorian national anthem at the top of his lungs, Eowyn was screaming "respect," Aragorn was yelling out "smells like teen spirit," Gimli had begun some dwarvish chant that sounded suspiciously like "the Real Slim Shady," translated into dwarvish, and Merry and Pippin had begun screaming "jingle bells," and the end result was a medley that sounded more awful than I care to announce.  And Gandalf, the only person in the car who had managed to retain any semblance of sanity, was driving.

"EVERYONE SHUT UP!" Gandalf roared suddenly.  Everyone went silent, and heard the shrill, ecstatic screams that could mean only one thing.

"AAAAHHHHH!" screamed all of the young/cute males in the car.

To my reviewers: 

Mirielle: Quite right, they will never escape.

            Pippin: _starts running_

            Me: _chases Pippin.  There is a loud crash, and I return, dragging Pippin by the hem of his Lorien cloak._  No, they never do learn.

DiamondTook3: GO HOBBITS!!!!!  Ahem.

Galadriel-in-disguise: ARAGORN ABUSE?!?!  BAH HUMBUG ARAGORN ABUSE!!!!!  Who's fic was it that he was dressed in CHEERLEADER DUDS IN?  Who said he likes Britany Spears, HMMM?  All I know is that it certainly wasn't ME!  Sorry.  And I would agree that Thomas Jefferson was a hypocritical idealist.  And Aaron Burr shot Alexander Hamilton, and THAT STUPID TEXT BOOK RUINED THE SMALL AMOUT OF EMPATHY I HAD FOR HIM (Alexander Hamilton) BY PATRONIZING ME!!!!!!

Galadriel-in-disguise: Cheese is good.  So is hyperness.

The Dark Wanderer:  Ah yes…poor, poor Aragorn.  I was in a Cassius-like (evil) mood the day I wrote that…

rgdsg:  I know that I misspelled Pippin's name for the first few chapters.  Sorry, folks.

Eowyn:  You're trying to tell me that Merry and Pippin weren't friends?  That's like saying 'Sam was Frodo's gardener, not his friend.'  I realize that they were cousins, but they were also friends.

Aeccu: Is Frodo lucky…or isn't he?  _Maniacal cackle._  Don't worry, if anything bad happens to Frodo, I will let everyone know.

TheHappyReader: THANK YOU!!!!

REVIEW, PLEASE!!!!


	8. The Fate of Frodo

Disclaimer: do I LOOK like I own LotR?  DO I, PUNK?

Legolas: oh shut up _shoots disclaimer._

Everyone: Go Legolas, go!  Shoot the disclaimer!!

A/N: This chapter occurs around the time chapter seven occurred, due to the fact that Frodo has been OUT COLD for the first six chapters, and dreaming about cheese lasagna, ice cubes, rap videos, comic books, the constitution, and MANY, MANY DISTURBING FANGIRLS.  Things are looking very dark for him as he awakes…

A/N: I put myself and my friends (Usagi, Galadriel-in-disguise, Kiki-chan, and Mayiko) in this, and the next chapter.  We may seem like EVIL anarchist/socialist people but be assured are not really this evil.

Scene: The authors note explains just about everything doesn't it?  Well, Frodo is in the bright pink helicopter, which is flying somewhere over middle America, heading west.

Frodo rubbed his eyes and groaned as the helicopter came into focus, and he realized where he was.  He had been dumped across two seats as the fangirls entered their helicopter, which was where he was lying now.  He could hear the fangirls chatting, on cell phones, and with each other, behind and adjacent to him.  He wondered vaguely who was driving the 'copter.  He watched as three particularly intelligent fangirls thought of a nefarious scheme to kidnap Legolas, Aragorn, Eomer, Merry, Pippin, and a whole bunch of other (REALLY HOT) guys from middle earth, and scribbled it down in a notebook.

Poor Frodo stared despairingly at the ceiling.  _I'll never escape from these Fangirls.  He thought miserably.  _Who knew fangirls were so smart?  I wish I could tell all of my friends about the EVIL fangirls nefarious plots to kidnap THEM.__

He was sitting up when a paper airplane made of what appeared to be a sheet of binder paper which read 'OPEN THIS NOTE IF YOU VALUE YOUR LIFE.  Well actually, not your life exactly…your fans obviously won't kill you.  Your sanity, however is another question entirely…' in bright red pencil, knocked him flat again.

Trying to make as little sound as possible, Frodo opened the paper airplane, which read.

Dear Frodo,

We sincerely wish that you were safe (well, maybe Usagi doesn't, but ANYHOW) your obviously not, since you have fallen into the hands of your EVIL fangirls.

Below are listed the only ways that will subdue a fangirl/gaggle of fangirls;

Option A: Spray them down with silly string.  This is the best option, extremely reliable, works 100% of the time.  Unfortunately, we are clean out of silly string, having used our supply of it on ol' Schwarzeneggers hummer.  Therefore, unless you yourself have a steady supply of silly string, you must move on to

Option B: Make 'em faint.  Galadriel_in_disguise fainted the last time SHE saw Aragorn, therefore it must be efficient SOME of the time.  We are not sure HOW efficient.  But we are guessing about 75% of the time.  The problem though, is that you are surrounded by not only your own fangirls, but fangirls of various other guys from middle earth, so you may not be able to make more than 20% of the fangirls faint.  Thus you will have to pass on this and see

Option C: Run.  Just run.  This however, is only effective when you can find some place to hide, which we sincerely hope you can, otherwise you will be forced to move on to the lamest option of all which is

Option D: improvise.

Good luck, and please, please, please don't do anything dim-witted.

Sincerely,

electrocuted-elf,

Usagi,

Galadriel_in_disguise,

Kiki-chan,

and Mayiko

P.S._ DESTROY THIS LETTER!!!!_

After he had shredded the letter into microscopic pieces, and sprinkled them on the floor, Frodo stood up in his seat.  The 'copter immediately erupted with shrieks and sobs.

"AIIGHT, AIIGHT," yelled Frodo "Y'ALLS NEED TO SHUT UP AND LISTEN!!!!!!"

After the last of the sobs had been stifled, Frodo continued yell in an incredibly bad imitation of a ghetto accent "AIN'T NOBODY GONNA MESS WIT' _FRODO ESCOBAR_, KNAWMEAN?  ANY FOOL WHO CALL ME FRODO BAGGINS GONNA GET SLAPPED UPSIDE THE HEAD JUST FOR LIVIN'!  FOSHOW, Y'ALL!!!"

This was apparently a very BAD idea, because as soon as Frodo shut up, the screams and sobs began again, and pandemonium reigned.  Frodo looked around desparately for a place to hide.  He made a dash for her only hope of shelter; the bathroom.  Once inside, he slammed and locked the door, shutting all of the fangirls out.

After a moment, a can of silly string with a note attached to it bounced off of his forehead.  He quickly opened the note, which read;

Frodo;

Congratulations on a temporary victory over the fangirls.  A new shipment of silly string just arrived, so here is a can.

However, as we said, this is a _temporary victory, nothing more.  It will not take long for the fangirl 'intelligence' squad to figure out how to pick the lock.  The only advice we can offer is as follows: be ready._

Best wishes,

electrocuted-elf,

Usagi,

Galadriel_in_disguise,

Kiki-chan,

And Mayiko

Frodo flushed the letter down the toilet, and began to formulate a plan for how, with the help of the silly string, he would keep the fangirls at bay.

To my completely awesome reviewers:

mirielle: Merry got his hands on a HAMMER???  This CANNOT be good…

Galadriel-in-disguise: hoo ha.  The Hidalgo preview?  NOOOOOO!!!  Not again!!!  It did look like a cool movie, though.

Aeccu:  Well, now you can decide for yourself.  Was Frodo lucky?  Or not?

Pooki z Great:  Whoa!!  You are EXTREMELY hyper…maybe even more hyper than me…but in any case…THANK YOU!!!!!

DiamondTook3:  Thank you for being such an awesome reviewer!!!!

The Dark Wanderer:  Yes, I am evil.  Also, there are MANY AUs around where Boromir gets the ring (written mostly by Boromir fans).  Sometimes he even kills Aragorn (written by extremely hardcore Boromir fans).  I have never personally seen a fic where Faramir goes to Rivendell and gets killed instead of Boromir, and Eowyn falls in love with Boromir, but I've heard that they do exist

Galadriel-in-disguise:  I think that you really do enjoy clogging up my review box.  Congrats on being cast as Teacher #1.

Galadriel-in-disguise:  HAHA!!!  I HAVE MORE THAN TWO LINES!!!! YOU HAVE LOTS OF LINES!!!!!   Rock on.


	9. EFOAPs: EVIL falling objects and people

Disclaimer: Is it really necessary to say that I don't own LotR?

A/N: please note; my friends and I are not REALLY this evil!  I promise!

Where we left off with the fellowship (except, of course, Frodo) and Eowyn and Faramir: 

Gandalf gunned, or at least valiantly tried to gun the accelerator.  The Prius refused to budge, sputtered, and stalled.

"It never fails, does it?" said Gandalf in a bemused sort of way "every time the fangirls get near us, the engine stalls.

Legolas began to scream "HOW CAN YOU THINK OF THAT AT A TIME LIKE…" but was interrupted by an extremely loud THUD on top of the car.

Everyone simultaneously dove out of the door to see what had just landed on the car.  It was a large crate of SOMETHING with 'HAPPY BIRTHDAY' spray painted on the side in red.  A moment later, a note floated out of the sky, reading;

Dear Aragorn, Gandalf, Boromir, Legolas, Sam, Merry, Pippin, Gimli, Eowyn, and Faramir,

Here we come.

electrocuted-elf,

Usagi,

Galadriel_in_disguise,

Kiki-chan,

And Mayiko

P.S. PIPPIN IS SEXY!!!  I DO NOT CARE WHAT ANYONE SAYS, IT'S TRUE!!!—electrocuted-elf

P.P.S. ARAGORN IS SEXIER!!!!  SOCIALISM!!!—Galadriel_in_disguise

P.P.P.S. KILL ORLANDO BLOOM/LEGOLAS!!!!!!—Usagi

P.P.P.P.S.  LEGOLAS IS THE SEXIEST OF ALL!!!!!  SO THERE!!!!!  SHUT UP, USAGI!!!!!!—Kiki-chan

P.P.P.P.P.S. WHAT HAVE YOU DONE WITH MY FRIENDS SANITY???  OUT WITH IT!!!!—Mayiko

"What's THAT supposed to mean?" queried Aragorn.

"That's strange…"said Legolas, looking up at the sky.

"What's strange?" said Faramir nervously, as the fangirls shrieks grew louder and shriller.

"Look at that," said Legolas, pointing up at the sky.

Everyone looked up, but all that arose from them were murmurs of 'huh?' and 'I don't see anything.'

"That's because you are ALL NEARSIGHTED!!"  said Legolas "I promise you that something IS falling from the sky, and I would advise all of you to get back."

Everyone moved back except for Aragorn, who said "It's April fools day.  This is obviously some lame joke."

Suddenly everyone began to say 'hey, I DO see something…'

"Guys, this is an incredibly lame joke," said Aragorn.

"If you don't believe us just wait and see," said Legolas "five--four--three--two—one."

Right as Legolas said 'one,' Aragorn was flattened by Galadriel-in-disguise.

"GET BACK!" screamed Legolas, as Mayiko, Usagi, Kiki-chan, and electrocuted-elf landed on the ground.

"OH !@#$%^&*" yelled Aragorn, who had just managed to escape Galadriel-in-disguise.

"They're not fangirls are they?" asked Faramir incredulously.

"NO!!" said Aragorn "They're WORSE.  FRIGGEN RUN!!!"

"Too late," said Mayiko.  "If you run away from us, you'll be running towards the fangirls."

"Oh sh**." Said Aragorn.

"KILL ORLANDO BLOOM!!" screamed Usagi, launching herself at Legolas and attempting to whack him with her aluminum baseball bat.

"DEATH TO GIMLI!!!" yelled Kiki-chan, swinging her algebra textbook at him.

"ARAGORN IS HOT!!" shrieked Galadriel-in-disguise, tackling Aragorn.

"HAH!  That's what YOU think," said electrocuted-elf, leaping at Pippin and screaming "PIPPIN ALL THE WAY!!!!!"

"Insane," muttered Mayiko, sitting cross-legged and beginning to meditate.

Legolas could do nothing but dodge the baseball bat being swung at him by Usagi, who was chanting "KILL ORLANDO BLOOM!!  KILL ORLANDO BLOOM!!"  having accidentally left his knives, bow, and arrows in the car.  Gimli pulled his ax on Kiki-chan and her textbook, but the ax shattered when it came into contact with the math book (EVERYTHING is rendered powerless by that math book.  Everything.)  Just as things were looking very dark for both Legolas and Gimli, Kiki-chan was momentarily distracted by the fact that Usagi was about to flatten Legolas with her aluminum baseball bat.

"Usagi, friggen put that bat down and don't hurt Legolas!!" yelled Kiki-chan, attempting to confiscate Usagi's bat.

"LEGOLAS IS EVIL!!!" yelled Usagi.

"NO HE'S NOT!!  HE IS _SEXY,"_ yelled Kiki-chan.

Mayiko surveyed the scene, Gimli rubbing a large lump on his head where Kiki-chan had hit him with her mathbook, Legolas looking on as Kiki-chan and Usagi battled for the bat, Galadriel-in-disguise and electrocuted-elf chasing Aragorn and Pippin in circles, and everyone else watching and not knowing what to make of it.

"Um…GUYS…?" Mayiko said "don't get me wrong…I couldn't care less about Lord of the Rings or any of its characters…but aren't we supposed to be HELPING them?  Not ATTACKING them?"

"Oh yeah…" said electrocuted-elf "well, what can I say?  The crate is full of silly string, which repels fangirls.  USAGI, FRIGGEN PUT THAT BAT AWAY!!  Just spray them with it, and it should give you enough time to get away.  Oh, we also fixed your car."

"Alright, well, I guess we should get going," said Galadriel-in-disguise.

"Great idea," said Kiki-chan.

"Okay.  Bye," said electrocuted-elf.

"Why are they suddenly in such a hurry to leave?" asked Usagi.

"Who cares?" asked Mayiko "Let's just get out of here."

"Good point," said Usagi.

All five of them hoisted their backpacks onto their backs and began heading for their helicopter.

"Galadriel-in-disguise…electrocuted-elf…Kiki-chan," said Gandalf accusingly.

"What?" asked the three who had been accused, turning to face Gandalf with identical, overly innocent looks on their faces.

"Put 'em back," said Gandalf firmly.

"Nuts," said Kiki-chan, Galadriel-in-disguise, and electrocuted-elf, taking Legolas, Aragorn, and Pippin out of their backpacks.

The whole company watched in a bemused sort of way as electrocuted-elf, Usagi, Galadriel-in-disguise, Mayiko, and Kiki-chan boarded their helicopter and left.

"That was strange," said Legolas, as the first of the fangirls broke the cover of the orange pylons on the roadside.

"AUGH!!" screamed everyone but Gimli, Gandalf, and Eowyn.  Eveyone grabbed a can of silly string and began to spray the fangirls down with it.  It worked like magic.  As soon as the silly string was sprayed on them, they became rigid and fell over every time they got within ten feet of anyone from middle-earth.  However the effects seemed to ware off fairly quickly, so Gandalf yelled "EVERYONE GET IN THE F!@#ING CAR!!!!  **NOW!!!!"**

Everyone dove into the car, and as soon as the last person/hobbit/dwarf/elf was in the car, and the last door was shut, Gandalf, who was already in the drivers seat, floored it, and went zooming off at 80 miles over the speed limit.

To my (completely kickass) Reviewers:

Galadriel-in-disguise: Thank you, you got to divebomb Aragorn, boondocks does rule, I will be at play practice, NOT THE HIDALGO PREVIEW AGAIN, yes you most certainly ARE crazy, lucky you, you have a family who likes LOTR whereas my family can't tell the difference between Boromir, Faramir, and Aragorn, my parents are also being kinda whack about my computer usage (why else would I be typing this a 6:00 in the morning?) I hope you do have another chapter up by next week, and the I-search definitely WILL take up a lot of our time, BOING BOING to you too, I don't know why reviewers are always hyper, and CHEESE yourself (all that in one run-on sentence).

mirielle: now who told you that I wanted to kidnap Frodo?  MERRY _looks accusingly at Merry. Well whoever it was, they were wrong.  I just want to steal Pippin, that's all _maniacal grin_._

DiamondTook3: Thank you!  Wheeee!

Imithwennyere: YES THEY ARE!!!!

Starling: Thanks!

Arwen*Hermione: AAAHHH!!!  NOT THE EVIL MUSHROOMS!!!!

Nagisa Kazumi: INSANITY IS GOOD!!!!  Not that I know what the Gondorian national anthem IS, but I can totally see Faramir singing it!!

Lilya: **Thanks**

MischeifHobbit: You think my fic is like the VSDs?  Thank you!  (In my mind that is incredibly high praise.)

MischiefHobbit: Hehe.  Yeah…sometimes I just can't help but make fun of Orli's various haircuts.  SORRY!!

MischeifHobbit:  Well, yah.  He has to have long hair!  Legolas just wouldn't be Legolas without long, pretty hair.

MischiefHobbit: As a rule, it is just a bad idea to read humor fics in public.  Or to be ingesting any sort of liquid while reading a humor fic (water sprayed all over the computer screen—not a pretty sight).

MischiefHobbit: THANK YOU!!!

WaterSeeress: Thank you!

EatEvilLeprechauns: I'm sorry, but you do not have a copyright on the title, so I am not changing it.  Yes, I thought of it on my own.  Does it really matter?

Monkeypants: YEAH, I'm insane.  I can't spell either.

Ithil: Faramir rocks (in both the books AND the movies.  I do not care WHAT people say about the character changes, he still rocks.)  Poor elf is right.  Poor everyone actually.  I victimize them all.  GO YOU!!

The Dark Wanderer:  Poor Frodo indeed.  Hah.  One of these days, about half a million fangirls are going to fall into Gondor and steal Aragorn.


	10. Pippin gets loose in a department store

Scene: They are now driving west in Pennsylvania, and are currently in the middle of Philadelphia.  Eowyn is driving.

"I'm hungry," whined Merry.

"We are NOT stopping to eat," said Eowyn reasonably.  "We had breakfast half an hour ago

"STOP AND EAT!  STOP AND EAT!  STOP AND EAT!  STOP AND EAT!  STOP AND EAT!  STOP AND EAT!  STOP AND EAT!  STOP AND EAT!  STOP AND EAT!  STOP AND EAT!" chanted Pippin.

"NO!" said Boromir.

"STOP AND EAT!  STOP AND EAT!"

"SHUT UP PIPPIN!" yelled Gimli.

"STOPANDEATSTOPANDEATSTOPANDEATSTOPANDEATSTOPAND

EATSTOPANDEAT—"

"Pippin, shut the @#$% up," said Aragorn, who was just about at the end of his rope, fingering Anduril dangerously.

"Go ahead.  Pull the sword on me," said Pippin.

"He's not even afraid of Anduril…" said Aragorn.  "Hobbit weed must impair their judgement even more than I thought."

Pippin shrugged.  "You can pull the sword on me, but you can't make me afraid of it."  He pulled out the algebra textbook that he had filched out of electrocuted-elf's backpack.

Everyone winced as he began paging through it, looking for the most painful graphing equation that he could find.

"ALRIGHT, FINE!" yelled everyone in the car simultaneously "WE'LL GO EAT!  JUST PUT THAT TEXTBOOK AWAY!!!!!!!!"

Five minutes later: Everyone is crammed into a booth at McDonalds.  Legolas is now EXTREMELY put out.

"Why," growled Legolas "Do you people/hobbits/dwarves/wizards INSIST on endorsing the corrupt meat industry????"

"Legolas, please," chided Sam.  "Now is NOT the time."

"Since when are YOU all knowing, Mister Can't-pronounce-potato-correctly?"  griped Legolas.

Sam slammed his hands down on the table and stood up.  It was looking as if a battle would ensue, but right at that moment their food came.

Everyone was enjoying a pleasant conversation when Legolas said "Guys?  Incase you hadn't noticed, Pippin ate everyone's food almost as soon as it came, and now he's disappeared.  With five cans of silly string."

"!@#$%^ &*" said Aragorn.

"AND," said Legolas "There's a department store just a few blocks down from here."

"Pippin…high on the crap they serve you at McDonalds…with silly string…in a department store…" Gimli trailed off.

"CRAP!" everyone screamed, sprinting for the door.

Thirty seconds later: Everyone has just entered the department store, and it has taken them no time at all to spot Pippin who is…

Pippin cackled evilly as the group of department store employees he was menacing with silly string and mushrooms screamed as he crouched on a railing and covered them with two different colors of silly string.

"Fool of a Took!" muttered Gandalf, and he and everyone else began charging up the escalator.

"Sorry…sorry…scuse me…sorry…" Gandalf muttered as he elbowed his way through the crowd of terrified employees.

"You are in big trouble young man," scolded Gandalf.

"I'm not in trouble yet," said Pippin.

"Oh?" said Gandalf.  "And why is that?"

"'Cause you're gonna hafta CATCH ME FIRST!!" shrieked Pippin, springing into the air, and clearing Gandalf, the employees, and a rack of jeans all in one leap, and ran, Lorien cloak flapping out behind him, into the an elevator that was just closing.

Legolas sprinted over to the elevator doors.  "It's going down," he shouted to Gandalf, and the others, all of whom began charging down the escalator with Legolas right behind.

They waited for what seemed like ages, until finally the elevator doors slid open on their floor, and there was…no one.

"Huh?" said Legolas, just as a mushroom hit him in the back of his perfectly coiffed head.

"HAHA, YOU SUCKAS!" yelled Pippin from five floors above them.

"How did…" Gimli began.

"DON'T ASK STUPID QUESTIONS!!!" Yelled Gandalf, looking as if he was about to blow every vein in his body.

Everyone began to charge up the escalator, as Pippin continued to bombard them with all five colors of silly string.  When they were (literally) two steps behind Pippin, he began to sprint away from them, spraying silly strings in both directions as he went.  He ran fast, but it was quite obvious that everyone was gaining on him.  As Pippin ran, he pulled an i-pod out of his pocket, turned the volume to max, and, as the musical abomination 'Stacy's Mom' began blasting out of it, he hurled it at Gandalf, without ever breaking stride.

Everyone screamed (besides Pippin, who had ear plugs and was sprinting away), fell down and started seizuring, except for Eowyn, who, with a wild battle scream, jumped on the i-pod and smashed it into a million itzy-bitzy pieces (GO EOWYN, GO) and continued to charge after Pippin, with the others not far behind.

Everyone watched as Pippin threw a box of powdered laundry detergent into a large fountain, which immediately began overflowing with froth and soap bubbles.  Everyone skidded to a halt right before they hit the rim of the fountain, except for Gimli, who hit the rim of the fountain, tripped, and fell into it, and Gandalf who hurdled the fountain, with his robes flapping up around his knees, and kept right on going.

At the edge of the fountain, Legolas and Boromir looked at the fountain, Aragorn, and each other, and their faces cracked into identical evil grins.  Both of them approached Aragorn with Cheshire cat smiles on their faces.

"Guys?" said Aragorn.  "Why are you looking at me that way?  Guys?"

Boromir and Legolas each grabbed one of his arms, plunged his head into the water, and began washing his hair.

"ARGULPTHACK!!!!!!" yelled Aragorn, spitting out soap suds, right as the fountain dumped a bunch of clean water on him.

Legolas then accidentally-on-purpose gave Aragorn a push into the water.  Aragorn emerged from the fountain dripping wet, and madder than a wet ranger (wait a second…).

"SURPRISE!!!!" yelled everyone present, drenching him with squirt guns and bombarding him with water balloons.

Meanwhile: "Pippin, get your narrow behind back here this instant!!!" roared Gandalf, as he continued to sprint after Pippin.

"GOTCHA, YOU LITTLE RAT!!!!!" Gandalf triumphantly, grabbing Pippin by the hem of his Lorien cloak.

"Alright sir, put your hands on your head and turn around slowly," said a voice behind him.

"Oh f*&^," muttered Gandalf.  "Pippin," he hissed quickly "Here is your chance to dodge punishment.  Disable those security guards long enough for us to get out of here.  Nothing permanent or disfiguring, you understand, just buy us a few seconds."

Pippin nodded solemnly, a, with a scream of 'THE SHIRE!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!' sprayed all four of the security guards in their faces with silly string.

Then he and Gandalf began sprinting towards the fountains.

"FRIGGEN RUN!!!!" Gandalf yelled at everyone, all of whom began sprinting for the exit.

As soon as they reached the Prius, they all dove in, and zoomed of, leaving the security guards in the exhaust.

"The first person who says the word 'garter' is dead," said Gandalf.

There was a long silence, and then Legolas said "Gandalf?  We weren't going to say the 'garter.'  Is there something you need to tell us?"

"NO!" said Gandalf, rounding on him.  "It just seems like the kind of joke that you clowns WOULD crack because my robes were flapping up around my thighs when I ran."

"Jeez, Gandalf, we all know that you're a cross-dresser, no need to get all shirty about it," muttered Legolas.

Gandalf rounded on Legolas again and grabbed him by his lapels (shirt collar).

"POT…CALLING…KETTLE…BLACK, BUDDY," he ground out between gritted teeth.

A/N: Aragorn fans are not allowed to kill me.  I promise that I will victimize everyone equally, you shall see.  DOWN WITH FOUNTAINS OF WAYNE!!!!  THEY REALLY SUCK, THAT IS ALL THERE IS TO IT.

To my reviewers (you guys totally rock!!):

mirielle: Merry rocks, too.  Almost as much as Pippin…YAY FOR M&P!!!

DiamondTook3: YAY!!  Go you, help poor Frodo and everyone else!!!!!

Galadriel-in-disguise: Riley: **pops up out of nowhere**.  FRANK HOPKINS AND HIS HORSE HIDALGO ARE TOTAL SUCKA'S!!!  THEY ARE ABOUT TO GET THEIR ASSES WHUPPED, KNUMSAYIN'?!?!?!?!?!

fanfic-fanatic2: Maybe your cat was a fangirl in a previous life…thanks for the complement about the song!!!

ElegantArrow 64: haha!  YAH, I agree that controlled fangirls should save all the poor middle-earth-males from the rabid ones (fangirls, that is.)

Aeccu: no, he really wasn't lucky.

Rathien Nikoli: thanks!

OnTheHuntForElijahWood: Poor Usagi!  Poor Boromir, too!  Why do people insist on victimizing Boromir?!  Anyway, thanks!  I take it that you're a Frodo obsesser?

Ithil: I'm COMPLETELY AND TOTALLY insane.  I may have forgotten to mention that, but it's true.  Thanks again for reviewing.

Galadriel-in-disguise: COME HERE UNCLE JOHN'S BAND, BY THE RIVER SIDE.

Galadriel-in-disguise: I will do my best not to make any rude comments about VM...

Galadriel-in-disguise:I know I am probably going to die for saying this, but: it is just another movie with ol' Viggo covered in dirt, grit, sweat, and horse hair!!!!!!!  What is so great about that?  **Runs from all the blood thirsty Viggo fans**.  James Cameron was the screen writer/director for 'Titanic.'

Galadriel-in-disguise: You be nice to the druids!!  Boadicea was extremely cool, though.  Ha, she really did take the Romans down a peg or two, didn't she?

Dragoneyes238: thanks!

Pooki Z Great: So you're an Orli hater, too?  You and Usagi would get along quite well.  Math really does kill all.  I wonder why Gimli didn't try to smash the ring with a geometry textbook?

MischiefHobbit: Tomato soup?  Meep!  Yes, and you are quite right, just about NOTHING could be worse than deranged fangirls.  Aragorn has a different opinion, though.  Gandalf really rocks.  Ever wonder if all of the elves were hippies?

Imithwennyere: Thank you!

Imithwennyere: All I can say for myself on the subject of grammar is that…well…nothing really…go Eowyn, though.

Imithwennyere: I just couldn't help it…I had to ridicule one of  Orli's various haircuts.  Surprisingly, though, no one has flamed me for it (yet).

Imithwennyere: How else did Elrond's hair switch from having one braid in it to two in the middle of the counsel of Elrond?  (That wasn't grammatically correct, was it…wait…don't answer that…)

Imithwennyere: It wasn't slash!!  It was a bet/dare that Aragorn and Merry were insane enough to engage in.

Imithwennyere: Ah yes, the idiotic souvenirs…they're everywhere!!  They've even invaded Mirkwood!!  About the laptops; let's just say that you were distracted by Aragorn EVERY time something completely random and unexplained comes up…because I can promise you that if there is no visible explanation, then there isn't one at all.

Imithwennyere: Ha.  The silly string is a good excuse for pandemonium, chaos, disorder, and complete and total mayhem.

Imithwennyere: You know, I think Legolas gets about 17 lines per movie, and 90% of the time, he is either labeling things, stating the obvious, or both (and then there was the absolutely SHAMELESS product placement with the lembas, but don't even get me started on that.  Hahaha.)  I think you just might want to kill me about the thing where I said 'it's just another movie with ol' Viggo covered in dirt, grit, sweat and horse hair!!!!!!!  What is so great about that?' so I think I will go cower in the corner now.

Galadriel-in-disguise: THAT REVIEW WAS EVEN LONGER THAN MY MEGA-LONG REVIEW/SPAM OF YOUR STORY!!!  I THINK THAT EVERYONE IS TRYING TO ROB MY OF WHATEVER SEMBLENCE OF SANITY I MAY HAVE MANAGED TO RETAIN AFTER ALL OF THE VIGGO OBSESSING I HAVE BEEN FORCED TO ENDURE BY SINGING THAT SONG (stacy's mom).  AAAAAAAH!!!!

Monkeypants: let there be no doubt about the fact that I am insane!!


	11. Boromir hates the Ghost Busters

Disclaimer: I don't…

A/N: Ilraen…

Disclaimer: HEY!  It's my turn!

A/N: is not!

Disclaimer: is too!!

A/N: is not!

Disclaimer: is too!!

electrocuted-elf: BOTH OF YOU SHUT UP!!!

A/N: I have to explain who Ilraen and Faragile and the IEPE are!!

electrocuted-elf: oh…right…

A/N: the IEPE stands for the Insane Environmentalist Peacenik Elves.  Remember the dudes (and dudettes) who shot out Aragorns tires in chapter three?  The IEPEM?  Yeah.  They were the Mirkwood branch of the IEPE.

Ilraen is an elf who lives in Mirkwood.  She is 3000 years old (that translates into 23 in elf years, but elves never mature past 35 anyway, so…) has dark blonde hair, and amber eyes, she graduated from UM (University of Mirkwood), was in the battle of Helmsdeep disguised as a male elf and is Arwen's third cousin three times removed on her mothers side…or…something like that anyway…there are also rumors of her having, shall we say, RELATIONS with a certain Legolas Greenleaf, which I will not disclose, lest she be eaten alive by Legolas's fans…in the 'Farewell to Rivendell' scene, she is the elf standing behind and slightly to the left of Arwen as you face her (Arwen, that is).

Faragile is a 2600 (18) year old elf who is from Rivendell, who has taken up residence in Gondor and is studying at U.G. Minas Tirith (University of Gondor at Minas Tirith.)  He is Elrond's…third cousin's…son, he is best friends with E&E (Elladan and Elrohir) and Halbarad, and is their room mate, has brown eyes and EXTREMELY long brown hair.  He dated Arwen in high school, and the breakup was very dramatic, but now they're friends again.  He also hit on Eowyn at a party and this resulted in him getting slapped EXTREMELY hard (he was out cold for five minutes).  In the council of Elrond, he id the elf in lavender-gray robes, sitting one chair to the right of Aragorn…if you were hiding in the bushes directly in back of Aragorn (like Galadriel-in-disguise was)…

Galadriel is…

Disclaimer: THEY ALREADY KNOW WHO GALADRIEL IS, YOU NINNY!!

A/N: I prefer the term 'imbecile.'

Disclaimer: TO DAMN BAD!!!  Also, as always, this is NOT MY FAULT!  NOTHING IS EVER MY FAULT, AND I GET PAYED TO SAY SO!!!  SO WHEN IF ANYTHING GOES WRONG, DON'T BLAME ME, BLAME…THAT GUY OVER THERE!!!!!!

A/N: George W. Bush is…

Disclaimer: SHUT UP.

A/N: John Kerry is…

Disclaimer: SHUT UP.

A/N: John Edwards is…

electrocuted-elf: AAA!!  MY AUTHOR'S NOTE IS MALFUNCTIONING!!!!  I **TOLD** IT NOT TO BRING POLITICS INTO THIS!!!!  But I might as well say it do NOT vote for W.

A/N: W being George W. Bush.  Also, don't get Galadriel-in-disguise and Galadriel mixed up.  They are two completely different people

Disclaimer: OK, Legolas.

A/N: why did you call me Legolas?

Disclaimer: because you're stating the obvious!!

electrocuted-elf: BOTH OF YOU GO AWAY!!!!!!!!!!!

Scene: Somewhere in western Penn. Everyone is now yawning and half asleep, because Boromir is filibustering about how [a] Ghosts have little to no rights in any country you would care to name in the world and [b] the justice system in the United States in completely prejudiced against ghosts…

"…Because at least half of the supreme court, if not ALL of it doesn't even believe we exist, which is a problem in and of itself because no WAY is the legislature going to pass any laws protecting the rights of a community that is so neglected that 97% of the population is in denial about their very EXISTANCE…"

Suddenly Legolas, who had been half asleep sat up and began digging through his backpack.  "MUST…FIND…CELLPHONE…" he muttered "MUST!"

He finally managed to grasp the cell phone and pull it out from under his jacket.

"Four…three…eight…four…three…seven…three…" he muttered as he punched the number into the cell phone.

"YOU WOULDN'T," hissed Aragorn.

"I would," said Legolas, his face grim "desparate times call for desparate measures."

Same time, in the IEPE headquarters: Galadriel, who is accoutered in a tie-die do-rag, a shirt depicting Haldir shooting an orc that said 'in memory of Haldir, 50, the first age to 999, the third age,' jeans, and thigh high boots is sitting at the computer.  Ilraen is doing yoga on the floor, and Faragile is drinking coffee and studying for his finals.

"Bad news, dudes," said Galadriel "Arwen cancelled her subscription to our newsletter for what she termed as 'a cynical and completely biased and politically imbalanced overview of the government system in Gondor' in our last issue."

"Too ba…" Faragile began, but was cut off by a loud RRRRRRRING from the phone.  Faragile and Ilraen both dove for the phone, and collided, and Galadriel picked it up, and her end of the conversation went as follows (or something like it at least).

"Quel amrun, le ped ni Nikerym of en IEPE…tir…tir…a UDUN baw, seldo…Le aniro cost?!?  Mana?!?  Le aniro cost?...AIQUA, Legolas…a…tir..nai tir ennas…tir…Namaarie."  **Click**.

(Translation: Good morning, you speak to the captain of the IEPE…right…right…oh HELL no, boy…You wanna fight?!?  Huh?!?  You wanna fight?!?...WHATEVER, Legolas…oh…right…be right there…right…bye.")

"Faragile, what are you doing?!?!?!?!" asked Galadriel as she hung up the phone.

"NOTHING!" said Faragile, quickly sending the response that he had been typing to Arwen's email, that looked suspiciously like it said 'oh yeah?  Well the same to your mother!!!!'

"We're needed in Pennsylvania," said Galadriel, tossing a (water, but don't tell them I told you) gun to both Faragile and Ilraen.  "Get ready."

Five minutes later, a portal was open between this world and middle earth.

"Portal all ready?"

"Yes, M'am," said Ilraen.  "We are ready to go."

"Now, before we go," said Galadriel "I'd like us to take a moment of near-silence to remember our principles: Question authority…"

"…Question reality…" said Ilraen.

"…and question the author's sanity," said Faragile.

The three elves joined hands and said in unison "I swear on my reputation or lack thereof to uphold these principles in each and every new situation, and even in the face of great adversity."

"Let's go," Galadriel said, adopting her 'commander' voice.

"Where are they?" muttered Legolas frantically, as Boromir ranted on about ghost rights.

Aragorn flopped over and began to twitch violently.  Just then, there were three very loud bangs as three objects hit the car roof.

"PULL OVER!" Legolas yelled at Gandalf, who was asleep over the wheel.

Gandalf woke with a start, and pulled over.  As soon as he opened the door, Galadriel, Ilraen, and Faragile hit the ground.

"We heard you were having a problem with ghosts," said Galadriel, and Legolas later said that he could have sworn he heard Faragile mutter "hit it Pippin," out of the side of his mouth.  Whether he did or not, the 'ghostbusters' theme began blasting, and Galadriel, Ilraen, and Faragile all began doing very different, but equally dorky and ridiculous dances.

"AAAAAHHHH!!!!" screamed Boromir, falling over, twitching and muttering to himself.

"WHEN THERE'S SOMETHING STRANGE—IN THE NEIBORHOOD—WHO YA GONNA CALL?  **_GHOST BUSTERS!!!!!!!!!!!!_**  WHEN THERE'S SOMETHING WEIRD—AND IT DON'T LOOK GOOD—WHO YA GONNA CALL?  **_GHOSTBUSTERS!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!_**"

"I AIN'T AFRAID OF NO GHOSTS—I AIN'T AFRAID OF NO GHOSTS!!!!!!!" screamed Ilraen and Faragile, attempting to dance backwards together, while Galadriel snickered into her sleeve.

Suddenly there was a loud BANG accompanied by a giant cloud of pink confetti, and five insubstantial, glowing figures appeared.

"What now, Boromir?" said the five figures, namely Haldir, Wormtongue, Saruman, Smeagol/Gollum, and Theoden.

"THEM!" said Boromir, pointing at Galadriel, Ilraen, and Faragile, and then in the general direction of place where the "Ghost Busters" theme seemed to be originating from.

"AHA!" yelled Theoden, pouncing on Pippin, who had been blasting the song out of his CD player, since his I-pod was in about a million pieces.

After a few minutes ("hey!  OWOWOW!  Leggo!")  Theoden managed to wrestle the CD player from Pippin, and turn it off.

Meanwhile… "Hello, darling," said Gimli to Galadriel, his voice a remarkably good imitation of that of Jack Sparrow of PotC fame.

"On no," said Galadriel, spotting Gimli "Uh-uh.  Not you.  STAY AWAY, you stalker."

Galadriel whipped out a pen and a pad of paper and wrote something on it.

"What's that?" Merry enquired.

"NOTHING," said Galadriel, attempting to stuff it back into her pocket, but not before Merry managed to snatch it out of her hand.

"Galadriel's to do list," merry began to read "Number one: find Celeborn's dealer and bust his ass for turning my husband into a stoner.  Number two: find PJ and bust HIS ass for leaving Glorfindel, along with Imrahil, Lobelia, Halbarad (the list goes on) out of the movie.  Number three: convince Elrond to give up his capitalist ways.  Number four: insure free and fair elections in all states of middle earth (that includes Gondor!)."

"HEY!" said Aragorn.

"Number five: instruct Arwen in the fine art of bringing down capitalism.  Number six: clean out my closet.  Number seven: get that headscarf that I loaned to Miss Cleo back.  Number eight: call the NRA freedom hotline and give them a piece of my mind.  Number nine: Ditto the CIA.  Number ten: Ditto the FBI.  Number eleven: file a restraining order on Gimli.  Number twelve:…"

"GIVE ME THAAAT," said Galadriel, diving at Merry.

Things were looking very dark for Merry when Galadriel cell phone saved him by ringing.

"What…yeah…AUGH!  BYE!  Back in the portal!" Galadriel yelled at Ilraen and Faragile.  "Emergency meeting of the IEPE!  There are FANGIRLS running loose in middle earth!"

Galadriel, Ilraen and Faragile dove back through the portal, and, moments later, all of the ghosts but Haldir, Boromir, and Gollum disappeared in a large cloud of perfumed confetti.

"We're not going anywhere, precious," said Gollum "Stupid Smeagol got all sentimental and said 'we must stay and help poor Frodo escape from the clutches of EVIL fangirls.'"

"And I have to stay too," said Haldir, in a very beleaguered way.  "Apparently, Aragorn, when I made that idle comment that I would follow you to death and beyond, someone in the spirit dimension recorded that on a piece of paper, considered it a contract, so now I have to assist you from 'beyond death,' as Sauron so eloquently put it."

"YOU talked to SAURON?!?!?!" asked Aragorn.

"Yup," said Haldir "once your dead, you're in no danger of getting killed 'cause, well, you're already dead, and you have all of eternity to squander, you might as well talk to some former enemies.  It makes life, or death, as it were, more interesting."

"And we have nothing better to do, precious," said Gollum.

"I'll say," put in Boromir "That's why I decided to come and harass all of you, instead."

Gandalf sighed and turned his eyes back to the road as he began driving again.

"All I have to say," griped Legolas "is that SOMEONE is going to be getting a MASSIVE therapy bill after this, and it is most certainly not going to be ME."

That evening: "…really?…GREAT…thanks, yeah, yeah, got it…yeah, wrote it all down…ok…THANKS, you're really a lifesaver…bye…"

"Who was that?" asked Legolas "You're girlfriend?  And why, might I ask, were you using _my_ phone?"

"It was Miss Cleo," said Merry "she told me that our fangirls are going to attack us sometime within the next half hour.  She also muttered something under her breath about Leo DiCaprio and Sean Penn being the joint owners of an illegal porcupine farm somewhere in Nebraska, but I didn't manage to catch that bit…"

Legolas just about hit the roof when he heard this "You spent HALF AN HOUR RUNNING UP MY PHONE BILL CALLING PSYCHIC A FROM B.E.T.?!?!?!?!?!?!?"

Legolas would have continued on this rant if he had not been interrupted by the distant shrieks of fangirls…

To my reviewers (100!  *Brushes tear out of my eye* I'd like to thank the academy…*notices bad joke police lurking in the background* Ahem…ANYhoo…):

Mirielle: Ha HA!  What were Merry and Pippin talking about?  Actually…I guess I really don't want to know, do I?  Okay, just forget that I ever asked that…

Ithil: Yah, it would be fun to wreak havoc and mayhem in a department store, but unfortunately, the darn security personnel have a nasty habit of arresting anyone who does that…

Galadriel-in-disguise: yes, I can say 'hyper.'  Can you say 'completely and utterly psycho'?  YOU ARE PSYCHO, YOU ARE PSYCHO, YOU LOVE VIGGO WAY TO MU-UCH!

Pooki Fiend: yeah…I was kinda wondering if I was the only one who noticed how abnormally clean Arry looked at the end of RotK…and now I must go cower in the corner from all of his fans because I just a] cracked a (lame) joke about his state of cleanliness, and b] called him Arry.

OnTheHuntForElijahWood: I promise you, there will be Frodo in the next chapter (his future is looking incredibly bleak at this moment in time.  Don't worry, though.  At least not TOO much.)

The Dark Wanderer: hah.  I am glad that there are so many people who share my opinion about that [uh…really, really stupid] song.

Aeccu: thanks!

Aeccu: HAHAHA!  EVERYONE WOULD BE DRIVEN INSANE!!!!

MischiefHobbit: SURE!  You can kidnap Merry, or something.  And also, if anyone else is reading this, I will gladly put you in, too.

Eowyn0734: or rather, Larien: WHOA!!  No one's trying to take Legolas away from you (well actually, MANY, MANY people are, but NEVER let it be said that I was.)  However, if all of the people that claim to be Legolas's girlfriend are to be believed, I'm afraid that he may have been cheating on you QUITE A BIT.  (Naw, haha, just kiddin' and PLEASE DON'T KILL ME FOR THAT COMMENT!!)

Imithwennyere: poor Viggo.  It's just all too easy to victimize him when you have a friend who's as obsessed with him as Galadriel-in-disguise is.

Galadriel-in-disguise: I'm EXTREMELY sorry about all of those problems, especially the fact that W is still in office.

Galadriel-in-disguise: naw, I wouldn't pull your hair.  GIVE ME BACK MY HEADWRAP, DAMMIT!

ElegantArrow 64: NOT PIXIE STICKS!!!  Sorry, it's just that…there's a black market in pixie sticks at my school…

REVIEW!  THIS MEANS YOU!


	12. Oh no! People switching realities!

Disclaimer: blah…blah…blah…

A/N: if anyone who is reading this happens to be named Ashley, PLEASE do not be offended by the fact that one of the fangirls is named Ashley.  Also, I know this chapter is kinda lame, but…

Scene: Frodo is in the helicopter floating somewhere over middle America, it's propeller thrumming steadily and ominously as they slowly wing their way toward the Fangirl's Inc. headquarters in San Francisco…

Frodo sat in half lotus position with the can of silly string balanced on one knee, attempting to meditate.  Suddenly, there was a loud scraping, clicking sound and, with a loud BANG, the door flew open, and there standing on the threshold were three…FANGIRLS!!!

"AAAAUUUGGHH!!" Frodo jumping to his feet, or at least attempting to, but since he had been meditating, all he managed to do was fall flat on his face and look like a hobbit pretzel.

"Awww, he's so adorable when he does that," said one fangirl who wasn't shrieking, sobbing, or out for the count because she had fainted.

"MMPH HMPH MZLE HUMPH!!" Frodo yelled into the floor, raising a fist into the air, and attempting to untangle his legs from one another.

"What did he say?" one Fangirl asked another in a bright pink T-shirt with 'I Love Legolas' emblazoned on it, flipping her long, perfectly combed hair over her shoulder.

"I think he said 'your nefarious schemes will never prevail!'" her friend answered.

"Aww, we wouldn't hurt him, would we, Ashley?" one Fangirl said in response to this.

Ashley, however, was shrieking her perfectly coiffed head off, and attempting to elbow her way through the crowd around Frodo, which was not very reassuring to him.  Frodo reached for the can of silly string, only to find that it wasn't there (an Elrond Fangirl who are typically more calm-and-collected than others had confiscated it).

Frodo's eyes grew to twice their normal size in fear, and he was actually considering throwing himself out of the emergency exit, figuring that this would be a much quicker and less painful way of death then the alternative, ('the alternative' being…know what?  I am not even going to go there.)  When there was another whirring thrum of another helicopter, also bright pink, and it had apparently once had 'Fangirls Inc.' painted on the side, but that logo had been X-ed out with black spray paint, and, in its place, 'ICU' had been spray painted in large black letters.

"AHEM," a voice crackled over the P.A. system of the other plane, as it drew level with the Fangirls Inc. "Everyone stay calm and seated; this is Ignored Characters United (hence I.C.U.) and we are boarding your plane."

Moments later, there was a loud CRACK, accompanied by copious amounts of orange confetti, and a tall, lean, blond elf, two equally tall, lean, brown haired and eyed elves, a rather non-descript lady with a lot of herbs, a freakishly tall dude with sun glasses and a black cloak, a prince-ish looking dude, and a ranger-ish looking dude, a small, painfully thin, sour looking, gray haired female hobbit, a woman with blond hair and delicate features, a rather dumpy man in a garish outfit, a very large, lean, tree-ish looking dude, a dude with bronzish skin, black dreads, and a ratty leather hat, and a dude with dark brown, curly-ish hair, and an extremely ridiculous hat, to match his ridiculous cloak, and various other ridiculous articles of clothing.  All of them were armed with water guns.

The various characters I have described to you above were (in order of appearance) Glorfindel, Elladan and Elrohir, Ioreth, the mouth of Sauron, Imrahil, Halbarad, Lobelia, Goldberry, Tom Bombadil, Quickbeam, Jack Sparrow, and Will Turner (DO NOT ask.  There is no answer.)

The fangirls gave a collective shriek as if they were a cheerleading squad on the rampage, and depending on their taste (if they were not already pre-occupied with chasing Frodo, who was running in circles) dove for Glorfindel, E&E, Imrahil, Halbarad, Jack, or Will.

"AAAUUUGGGHH!!!" screamed E&E, Imrahil, Halbarad and Will simultaneously, leaping onto Quickbeams higher branches.

"So much for 'calm and seated,' eh?" said Imrahil with a wry smile.

"SHUT UP AND GIVE ME A HAND, WILL YOU?" yelled Glorfindel.

"OH, no," said Elrohir, from his comfy vantage point on Quickbeam "no sane and even remotely nice-looking male between the ages of 14 and 4000 would come down there if his life depended on it, and if you can't jump high enough, well, TOUGH TOENAILS FOR YOU, BUDDY."

"THANKS A LOT," yelled Glorfindel as he was flattened by about twelve Fangirls, and Lobelia and Ioreth attempted to help him by beating the Fangirls over the head with Lobelia's umbrella and a whole bunch of herbs.

With a put-upon sigh, Elladan lowered a rope, which Glorfindel and Frodo managed to grab, but Jack being, as ever, drunk, didn't manage to grab it before it was hauled back up again.  Lobelia, the Mouth of Sauron and Ioreth attempted to help him, but all they managed to do was have one of Ioreth's spells collide with Lobelia's umbrella and turn it into a base ball bat with 'playa hata' written on it in large, bold letters.

"What of Jack?" said the ever-idealistic Will.

"What of him?" asked Glorfindel.

"We must…" began Will.

"…Save him," finished Glorfindel "spare me the idealism.  He's a PIRATE."

"…and a good man," said Will, right on cue.

"…and a drunk idiot," countered Glorfindel, rolling his eyes "let him fend for himself."

"Legolas?" said Frodo, spinning around.

"Who?" said Will.

"Oh…never mind…you kinda remind me of this dude I know…" Frodo trailed off.

Just as Will was preparing to jump off of Quickbeam and attempt to rescue Jack, there was a small, delicate 'POOF' sound, and in a cloud of pink, perfumed confetti, Elizabeth Turner appeared.

"WILL!" she exclaimed "I…uh-oh…" for the first time she noticed that she was surrounded by MANY, MANY fangirls, all with identical, murderous looks on their faces.

She too, almost leapt five feet in the air, and was about to climb Quickbeam, when she noticed poor Jack, surrounded by Fangirls.

"YOU," she yelled "blond elf dude!  Get down here and help me out will you?"

"Dratted humans," muttered Glorfindel as he climbed off of "I TOLD Imrahil that we should have left those three clowns marooned on that god-forsaken island in the middle of the Caribbean where we FOUND them, but NOOOO, HE said…"

CLIFFHANGER!!!!!

To my reviewers:  For the next chapter, I'd like all of you to vote on who the chapter should be about; The fellowship minus Frodo, Gollum, Haldir, Eowyn and Faramir, or Frodo, all the ignored characters, and the dudes from PotC.

mirielle: no, they haven't given up on Frodo, they've just gotten a little…how do I say…sidetracked?

Galadriel-in-disguise: I DO NOT HAVE A SHRINE TO BILLY BOYD.  THAT WOULD BE CREEPY.  IF YOU DROOL DURING HIDALGO, I WILL SCREAM.

Aeccu: Hey, as far as I'm concerned, you can only die once, so Boromir really doesn't have anything to fear now, does he?

Pooki Fiend: Gollum is GREAT!!

OnTheHuntForElijahWood: FroFro?  Never heard that one before.

Rochdur Baggins: I know that not all Fangirls are bad!  You should totally start writing a fanfic.  It's great fun.

Imithwennyere: NOT GONNA ASK (about just what you were thinking of in your last sentence)…

 MischiefHobbit: you're quite welcome


	13. fangirls attack, YET AGAIN

Disclaimer: I don't own LotR.

Scene: where we left off with the fellowship minus Frodo, Faramir, Eowyn, Haldir and Gollum.  The car (obviously) has stalled, and things are again looking VERY grim for our heros.

"Oh drat," said Gandalf.  "We're out of silly string.  I think you guys are gonna have to…"

"WHAT?!?" enquired a paniced Aragorn.

"may um ent," muttered Gandalf.

"WHAT?!?" screamed Aragorn.

"MAKE THEM FAINT," said Gandalf, loud and clear.

"Ewww," said Aragorn.

"WHAT!" said Gandalf.

"I don't really care to think about what I'd have to do to make them faint," said Aragorn.

"ARAGORN, THIS IS NO TIME FOR IMMATURITY!" yelled Gandalf.  "THIS IS SERIOUS BUSINESS!!"

"But, I don't want to be subjected to…" began Aragorn.

"OH HUSH, ARAGORN," yelled Gandalf "you don't have to do anything pervy or disgusting…Just…oh, I don't know…OH, got it.  Do the swish thing you did with your hair at Helmsdeep."

Aragorn covered half of his face with his hair, and then drew Anduril, and threw the hair that had been covering his face off of it in one smooth motion.

"Like that?" asked Aragorn.

"PERFECT!" said Gandalf, "Okay, Legolas, you just pull one of your ridiculous elfy stunts, got it?"

Legolas nodded.

"Faramir…hmmm…do something similar to what Aragorn does…you too Boromir…"

"Now, um Pippin, hmmm…just talk to your fangirls."

"Talk to them?"

"Yes, Pippen.  They really love your accent, and I think it would be enough to make at least MOST of them faint…"

"…Merry…um…just try to stay out of harms way…"

"Kay!" said Merry cheerfully.

"Huh," said Legolas, perplexed as he looked in the rear-view mirror "That's funny."

"WHAT?!?" demanded Aragorn.

"None of the Fangirls look even remotely acne prone, and…my god…some of them are wearing dresses as ridiculous as Arwen's…" he was inturrepted by a yellow book entitled 'The Half-Witted Morons Guide to Avoiding Fangirls.'

Gollum cackled gleefully, and said "Thatsss and apt dessscription of all presssent and accounted for, with the exclusssion of yourssss truly, precious."

"Shut up," griped Haldir.

Legolas began to read from the table of contents 'how to identify a fangirl…how to repel a fangirl…how to escape a Fangirl…blah blah blah…ah!  Here it is.  Who's who in the world of Mary-Sue," he began to read "If a fangirl is chasing after you, you may notice that she suddenly morphs into an almost unrecognizable form, such as a pretty elf maiden, a female Ranger, an insane hobbit, et cetera, et cetera.  What this means is that she has morphed into her alter ego, the character who represents her in her Mary-Sue fics.  Below is listed which are Fangirls of which Person/Elf/Hobbit;

Legolas Mary-Sues: there are two types; either elves, who are brainless eye candy and wear dresses as ridiculous as Arwens, or enchantress types who also happen to be eye candy in dresses as ridiculous as Arwens.

Aragorn Mary-Sues: female ranger types, more skilled with a sword than Aragorn himself, they typically have angsty, shadowy, tragic pasts.

Okay, I think we get the point, the point being that we are in TROUBLE with a capital trouble.

"It's okay," said Gandalf "I have a plan."

Five minutes later: FEFGH (fellowship, Eowyn, Faramir, Gollum, and Haldir) were driving through some Midwestern cornfield.  They have now graduated from the east coast, and the great lakes to the plains, one of THE MOST monotonous places in the US considering that it is almost purely agricultural.

"I STILL think that this is a bad idea," said Aragorn.

"Shut up until you think of something better," said Gandalf.  "Lets review; all of the people/elves/hobbits that the Mary-Sues will be after split into units of two, each unit standing at 15 foot intervals, those of us who are not in any sort of danger, namely me, Gimli, Eowyn, and Gollum, stand five feet in front of them, and give them signals.  'thumbs up' means 'all clear,' middle finger means 'Fangirls headed your way.'  Now lets move!"

Ten minutes later: "This is so lame it is painful," muttered Aragorn to Legolas.

"Uh-oh," said Legolas "Eowyn's giving us the finger…"

"DUCK!" yelled Aragorn.  "Make them faint Legolas!" he said, standing.

Legolas pulled an arrow out of his quiver with a flourish, nocked it to his bow, and sent it flying into the stratosphere, and then murmured some elvish words, staring intensly at the sun, which was enough to make half of the Fangirls faint, and then Aragorn did the 'swish thing' with his hair, which made the other half who had headed their way faint.

"TO THE CAR!" yelled Gandalf, once the number of Fangirls that Faramir, Aragorn, Boromir, Merry, Pippin, Legolas et cetera had managed to make faint seemed sufficient and FEFGH sprinted to the car, jumped into it, and zoomed away as fast as it is possible to when you are driving through a cornfield in Middle America.

In their haste to get away, FEFGH had neglected to notice that Merry had been capture by Fangirls, who were now on their way back to the Helicopter.  There was one person, however, who had not neglected to the notice.  This person went by the name of MischiefHobbit, and had managed to find Merry after large amounts of agonizing.  So there she was, marching through the very same cornfield that FEFGH had just left behind in a cloud of dust, armed with a flying carpet.

"CHARRRGE!" yelled MischiefHobbit as soon as she was spotted by one of the Fangirls.  She managed to battle her way through the rank of fangirls, and was off, dragging Merry by the shirt collar.

"YOU," said MischiefHobbit.

"Me?"

"Didn't I TELL you to stay away from Fangirls?"

"Yes, but…" Merry protested as MischiefHobbit began to unroll the magic carpet.

"THEY ARE LIKE GROUPIES!!  AND IF YOU THINK FOR ONE MOMENT THAT I AM GOING TO TURN A BLIND EYE TO THE FACT THAT…"

"They're coming after us," said Merry bluntly.

The magic carpet rose about a foot off of the ground, and then fell back to earth.

"The turbo just crapped out," Merry informed MischiefHobbit.

"That's OK," said MischiefHobbit, "the anti-gravity device just kicked in."

It proved to be true, and the carpet rose, slowly and majestically, until it was fifty feet above the ground.

"Now explain yourself, mister," said MischiefHobbit.

"Well," said Merry innocently, "we were just having our yearly 'fellowship reunion…'" he proceeded to tell her the tale of Frodo being kidnapped by the fangirls, and ended with "and now, well, here we are."

"Oh," said MischiefHobbit rather sheepishly "Well, in that case, could I have that ring back?"  She indicated the ring that she had thrown at Merry when she had begun chastising him about Fangirls being like groupies.

"It looked better on me," said Merry, but nevertheless, he sounded extremely relieved and put the ring back on her hand.

"WE FORGOT MERRY!" yelled poor, distressed Pippin.

"Actually, we may have, but it looks like he's headed this way," said Legolas in an amused tone, as the magic carpet settled on top of the car and Gandalf pulled over, got out, and said "Welcome back Merry!"

Grinning from ear to ear, Merry jumped into the car.

"Thank you, MischiefHobbit!" he said brightly.

"Don't mention it.  I expect to see you back in a month mister," said MischiefHobbit, waving cheerfully to FEFGH, and zooming away on her magic carpet.

"Who was THAT?" asked Legolas, his voice filled with malicious delight.

"My FRIEND," Merry insisted, turning bright pink.

"…Who's been calling you every day since we left," finished Pippin.

Merry turned bright red.

To my reviewers:

OnTheHuntForElijahWood: Yeah, I saw the Academy awards.  I cheered extremely loudly when RotK won best picture.  All the guys who played hobbits were sitting together—it was so cute!

The Pooks: um, good job, you just weirded me out which, needless to say, is EXTREMELY hard to do.

MischiefHobbit: CHAOS IS GREAT, CHAOS IS GREAT, MEOW MIX, MEOW MIX PLEASE DELIVER!  If you didn't like how you were engaged/married to Merry, please tell me and I will change it.

mirielle: I wrote the chapter with Frodo and the ICU, but it kinda sucked, so I need to go back over it.  SORRY!!

Galadriel-in-disguise: I am NOT going to ask because I have a feeling that I do NOT want to know…hahaha.

hyperactive forever: he has done NOTHING to resolve the deficit, and the idea of borrowing the money in bonds will ultimately put California FURTHER in debt…sorry, I can't help ranting about stupid government officials…


	14. Music wars

With a plan involving the Frank Hopkins' lasso that Glorfindel had jacked, a really unpleasant smelling potion compliments of Ioreth, and a whole bunch of silly string that Elizabeth just HAPPENED to have in her bodice, they managed to get Jack up in Quickbeam, and then there was nothing to do but play chess and listen to the fangirls nefarious schemes to get them out of the tree…erm, ent.

Five hours later: "We could light the tree on FIRE," said one fangirl to another (luckily for her, Quickbeam was dozing off and didn't hear her call him a tree).

"Yeah, and BARBECUE us?" retorted Imrahil.

"Oh…right…" the Fangirl trailed of.

"Checkmate," said Glorfindel to Elrohir, both of whom were almost bored to tears.

"I am going to WACK OUT if something interesting doesn't happen soon," complained Jack.

Just then something hit the window with a muffled THUMP.  Everyone simultaneously looked out the window. And there, sitting cross-legged in a floating red wagon, was a certain afro-toting someone.

"IT'S A UFO!" squeeked Frodo (or Frofro, as it were).

"I don't really think that Aaron McGruder is classified as a UFO," said Ioreth.

"He kinda reminds me of Aragorn," said Elladan.

Meanwhile, Mr. McGruder was trying to mouth something to the various people up in treebeard, which, obviously, wasn't working.

"WHAT?" Glorfindel mouthed.

Rolling his eyes, Mr. McGruder wrote LOOK IN THE TOP OF THE TREE, YOU IDIOTS in all caps on his sketchpad and zoomed away.

Looking in the top of the 'tree' Glorfindel quickly discovered a bat with 'playa hata' inscribed on it in black sharpie and a note which read 'happy birthday, you IMBECILES.'

"I wonder…" said Frodo, but his thoughts were cut short by the first ear-splitting strains of the guitar intro of 'Stacy's Mom.'

"NOOOOO!" screamed all people present (except for the fangirls, all of whom either had ear plugs or actually liked the song).

"STACY'S MOM HAS GOT IT GOIN' ON!  STACY'S MOM HAS GOT IT GOIN' ON!"

Frodo made a noise like a hippo being subjected to the cheesiest ride at Legoland.

"STACY'S MOM HAS GOT IT GOIN' ON!  STACY'S MOM HAS GOT IT GOIN' ON!"

The Mouth of Sauron was now frantically dialing Gandalf's number on his cell phone.

"STACY CAN I COME OVER AFTER SCHOO-OO-OO-OO-OOL…"

Same time, in the car of FEFGH: Gandalf cell phone gave a loud trill.

"Yeah?" Gandalf answered.  "Really?  Oh lord…they WOULDN'T…honestly?  Only one way to counter it…Psychedelic Rock…yes, my friend, it is the only way to counter bad pop.  Bye."

Back with Frodo, the fangirls, all of whom are now staring glumly up into the limbs of Quickbeam, who had been sprayed down with silly string, and thus, none of them could climb him, all the ignored characters, and the three people from PotC.

Everyone was twitching severely and was sprawled over various limbs of Quickbeam.

"DID YOUR MOM GET BACK FROM HER BUSINESS TRI-I-I-I-IP…"

"OK, EVERYONE," the mouth of Sauron yelled over the music "WE ARE GOING TO HAVE TO SING AN EXTRA LOUD RENDITION OF UNCLE JOHN'S BAND IF WE PLAN TO COUNTER ACT THIS MUSIC.  ANYONE HAVE AN ACOUSTIC GUITAR?"

"I KNEW there was a reason for me bringing this," said Halbarad, producing an acoustic guitar from his pack, and beginning to play the intro of 'Uncle John's Band.'"

"My life is flashing before my eyes," moaned Frodo.

"SING, GLORFINDEL," yelled the Mouth of Sauron.

In his strong, clear Elf voice, Glorfindel began belting out; "WELL THE FIRST DAYS ARE THE HARDEST DAY'S, DON'T YOU WORRY ANY MORE.  CAU-HAUSE WHEN LIFE LOOKS LIKE EASY STREET, THERE IS DANGER AT YOUR DOOR…"

"…I'M ALL GROWN UP NOW, BABY CAN'T YOU SEE…"

"…WO, HO WHAT I WA-ANT TO KNO-OW, IS; ARE YOU KIND…"

"…STACY CAN'T YOU SEE?  YOU'RE JUST NOT THE GIRL FOR ME, I KNOW IT MIGHT BE…"

"…YOU KNOW ALL THE RULES NOW, AND THE FIRE FROM THE ICE.  WILL YOU COME WITH ME?  WON'T YOU COME WITH ME…"

Glorfindel was putting up a good fight, but it was clear that he was weakening.

"Help me, Imrahil," he rasped in a pause in the song.

Imrahil joined in; "GODDAMN, I DECLARE, HAVE YOU SEEN THE LIKE?  THEIR WALLS ARE BUILT OF CANNON BALLS, THEIR MOTTO IS; DON'T TREAD ON ME…CAME HERE UNCLE JOHN'S BAND, PLAYING TO THE TIDE…"

"…AND I KNOW YOU THINK IT'S JUST A FANTASY, BUT INCE YOUR DAD WALKED OUT…"

Then, in a shower of sparks, the awful music was cut off in a shower of sparks.

"DIE, YOU 'MUSICAL' MENACE!" shriek Ioreth, holding the baseball bat with 'playa hata' inscribed on it triumphantly over her head, and pounding the smoking wreckage of the CD player on which 'Stacy's Mom' had been played a second time for good measure.

Suddenly, another loud soundwave collided with Frodo and the ignored characters, and the characters from PotCs ears; "BRING ME TO LIFE (I've been living a lie, there's nothing else inside) BRING ME TO LIFE…"

"Oh nooooooooo," groaned Frodo

A/N: If you like Fountains of Wayne, or Evanescence, I'm sorry, it's just that I CANNOT stand them.  Also, I don't particularly like the Grateful Dead, but I'm kinda used to them, seeing as my dad was (and still is) a COMPLETE Deadhead.

To my lovely reviewers:

Galadriel-in-disguise: I was the one who thought of a way for you to get us off the roof.  HA!

mirielle: Glorfindel is so great!  WHY DID YOU LEAVE HIM OUT, PJ?!?!?!?!?!?!?  That is one of the numerous reasons that I DESPISE Arwen.

Larien: Ah yes, the name.  Have you noticed how most of the names that Mary Sues use for themselves in their stories seem as if they got them off of those COMPLETELY cheesy elvish name generators?

OnTheHuntForElijahWood: …and now I'VE taken to calling him Frofro!

DiamondTook3: poor you…STUPID, FAT, CRAPPED OUT MSN!

hyperactive forever: when you conceded that Pippin is mine, was it because that you were afraid that if you didn't, I would go COMPLETELY psycho, like Legolas fangirls do when someone else says something to the affect of 'Legolas is mine, not yours'?  Ever seen those message boards that mainly consist of people arguing about which of them is really the girlfriend of Legolas/Aragorn/Frodo/whoever?

Galadriel-in-disguise: No, I really don't.  Is it just me, or does that dance make the whole cast look like we're a bunch of squirrels who think we're cheerleaders on the rampage?  Now I have more chapters than you, so HA!

MischiefHobbit: I honestly think that no one in the world needs a LARGE supply of silly string more than Keira Knightley, Kate Bosworth etc.


	15. Elvis Presley, former heartthob

A/N: I'M SORRY!!!  I know I haven't posted forever, and I'm ashamed of myself

Scene: Haldir has gone bye-bye, 'cause he was just one to many characters to keep track of.  Anyhow…

"When do we eat?" asked Pippin.

"NOT UNTIL YOU SHUT YOUR MOUTH!!" yelled an agitated Gandalf.

"I WANNA **EAT**!!!!!!" screamed Pippin, Jumping up and covering the eyes of Aragorn, who was driving.

"ACK!" Aragorn choked out "Pippin…you're…choking…me."

At this point, Sam, in an attempt to help, grabbed the wheel, but this resulted in them driving over what is quite possibly the largest drainage ditch in the Midwest.

"I hate you, Pippin!" Yelled Gandalf.

"Why did we suddenly go into slow-mo?" quiried Gimli.

"This always happens during a disaster," Legolas informed him.

By this time, they were inches from the ground, upside-down, and were forced to bail out of the windows before the firey crash.

There is only one word to describe what happened next: ka**_BOOM_**.  How everyone survived this ordeal I do not know, but they all emerged from a cloud of smoke, dust, and other debris looking like Aragorn on a bad day.

"I hope your happy, Pippin," said Boromir.  "Because now our chances of rescuing Frodo are nil."

With a sigh, Pippin sat down on a rock, which made a hollow, metallic thunk.

"What the…move Pippin!" Ganddalf commanded, beginning to franticly dust hay, ears of corn, and refuse from the explosion off of the 'rock.'

"Oh my lord!  Pippin, you're a genius—"

"I am?"

"He is?" asked the collective rest of FEFGH.

"—I love you!!"

"One minute you hate me, the next you love me.  Wizards have issues."

"Underssssstatement, preciousss."

"Check this out," said Gandalf, indicating a metal hatch.

"Fangirl inc…1950," read Eowyn.

"There were fangirls THEN?!?" asked Merry

"Oh my Tod Pippin," said Boromir "You're so vain, you probably think this song is about you."

Silence.

"Never mind," Boromir muttered as it became increasingly clear that no one got his reference to Carly Simon.

"Let's put it this way…ever heard of Elvis Presley?"

Blank stares.

"Frank Sinatra?"

More blank stares.

"Kids these days," opined Legolas.

"You mean to tell me that you've never heard of the King?" asked Aragorn.

"Well sure I have," asserted Pippin "aren't you the…"

"NO!  I meant Elvis."

"Never mind," said Gandalf, "just get your behinds in there."

A few minutes later:

"It's wet down here," whined Merry.

"Oh hussssshhhhhh," said Gollum.

"Hey guys, look what I found!" yelled Aragorn.

"It looks like a shopping cart with a crapload of outdated newspapers in it," said Boromir.

"Exactly!" said Aragorn happily "If we take the newspapers out it would be perfect for…"

"NO, no, no," said Merry "No way am I riding in that…"

"Do you have any better suggestions?" asked Gandalf sternly.

"No."

"The get your narrow rear end in the cart."

Once everyone had managed to squeeze into the cart, it was going at a heart stopping rate of 1 mph, but it's rickety gait came to a complete stop when it hit a slight bump.

"OK," came Aragorn slightly muffled voice "Everyone see if you can reach the walls and push off.  If we can do that then maybe…"

"Oh, forget this $#!%" said Gandalf.  He raised his staff, whirled it around his head once, and whacked the cart, which immediately began to carry them west at about 90 mph.

"AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAH!" screamed everyone but Gandalf.

REVIEW!!!!!!!

DiamondTook3: I am sorry.

Hyperactive forever: YAAR!  (I believe that that is the word in some Indian dialect for 'yah!')

Galadriel-in-disguise: ARAGORN IS DOWNRIGHT UGLY, I SAY!

OnTheHuntForElijahWood: LOL.

Maddy: thanks.

G-i-d: oh lord.

G-i-d: oh come on.  People DO have a right to be republican.  Yup, I'm in one of my pessimistic/apathetic moods right now.

Xbaby jenks: Thanks.

Aeccu: I know…I had nightmares for weeks.

MischiefHobbit: sorry I haven't written for so long…term paper…finals…blah blah.

MischiefHobbit: no, no one has died.  Never fear.


	16. Hugs all around

A/N: all of the ghost Boromir summoned have disappeared. In my world, when one ghost summons another, the summonee can only stay on earth for twelve hours. Thus, we are back to the original motley crew; the fellowship, including Boromir, who is a ghost, Faramir, and Eowyn.

SORRY! I know I haven't posted in…six months. But now it's the holidays, and I'm listening to Run-DMC, which has nothing to do with anything, but whatever.

PS BUSH STILL SUCKS. SO DOES ANNE COULTER. AND BILL O'REILLY!

"Bor?" called Faramir.

"Yeah?" answered Boromir, who was sitting on his foot.

"How come you didn't disappear when the other ghosts did?"

"Because I have a Purpose. Ghosts with a Purpose are allowed to stay on earth until the Purpose is fulfilled."

"What's your Purpose?"

"Taking care of my baby bro," Boromir joked, attempting to pinch Faramir's cheek and only managing to stick his insubstantial hand through his syblings face (which was numb for several minutes thereafter).

Suddenly, the cart came to a screeching halt next to yet another age-old, manufactured-by-fangirls-of-Elvis-Presley hatch.

"I'll get it!" all the male members of the party except Gandalf chorused. All jumped out, and, by turns, attempted to be macho and open the hatch, but none of them managed.

"You nimrods," sighed Eowyn. "Do the words 'righty tighty, lefty loosey' mean ANYthing to you?" All she got in a response was a few confused 'huh's. "_Men_," she scoffed jumping out of the cart into ankle deep muckey water surrounding that covered the bottom of the subterrainean transportation system. She jerk the handle to the left (all the boys had been hauling it to the right) and, with a reluctant shriek, it opened, coating everyone on a fine powder of red dust. No one seemed to notice, except the perfectly coiffed, perfectly clean Legolas, who muttered something about 'dry-cleaning bill' and then fell silent, but it put all the boys in a foul mood that not only had they missed a perfectly good chance to defend their manliness, but they had also all just been shown up by a girl.

What with the darkness and the rather potent stench rising from it, the hole ended up looking something like circular hell.

"Someone has to go first," commented Sam, eyeing the hole with distaste.

"I nominate Aragorn," grumped Boromir. "The once and future king."

"Shut up Boromir," groused Aragorn, "just because you've always been jealous of…"

"Jealous? Tell me; just what am I jealous of? Your annoying girlfriend? Your ratty cloths? Your lack of hygiene? Will you just get over your—"

"There is nothing wrong with my hygiene!!"

"Well forgive my thoughless nerve-striking, your majesty! Get over yourself!"

"Why don't you?" Aragorn fumed.

"Good god, Ar, who died and made you…oh, that's right; ME!"

"Why do you always pick on me?" fumed Aragorn, "Why not Faramir? Isn't that what big brothers are supposed to do? It's always me!"

"It took you that long to figure that out?" growled Faramir. "It's always been you. Never me. You. I do my job. I kick the baddies' collective ass. And who do people thank? Aragorn. And don't think I'm siding with you, Bor," he snarled as Boromir opened his mouth to concur, "Me being undercredited is nothing new. It's always been this way. Before people thanked Ar for my work, they thanked you. Boromir. Aragorn. Meet the new boss, same as the old boss."

"Faramir," said Eowyn, stepping between him, Boromir and Aragorn "stop."

"Well, surprise, surprise," scowled Faramir, "look whose leaping to Aragorn's defence."

"What's that supposed to mean?" Eowyn demanded, eyes narrowing.

"The two of you. Together."

"Oh my god," Eowyn put off with a disbelieving laugh "It's been three years. _How_ can you not trust me?"

"When I catch you _defending_ him all the time!"

"When I thought I was in love with him," Eowyn articulated through her teeth "I was a nineteen year old with a crush. I thought we were over that, and frankly, there's barely even an 'it' to be over. Why do you do this to me?"

"Because I know the truth of the matter!"

"Grow up, Faramir," she said, with an exasperated toss of her head "I'm not going to dignify that with a reply."

"'Dignify,' huh? Too good for me? I'm starting to think everyone here's too good for me except maybe HIM," shouted Faramir, attempting to point to the cow that was prominently featured on the mouldering 'got milk' but ending up pointing at Legolas.

"WHAT??" said Legolas.

"Face it, Leg," gruffed Gimli, with the closest thing to a giggle that can be managed by a dwarf. "Now that Eowyn's here, you can't even be 'the blonde one.' Now you're just…the zeppo!"

"Don't you _dare_ insult me," snarled Legolas, gripping Gimli's lapels.

"Don't touch me, pretty boy," growled Gimli, managing to sound hostile even though he was suspended six inches in the air.

"Why don't you pick on someone your own size," Legolas said acidly. "Like them," he gestured toward the hobbits.

"HEY!" squealed Merry. "I'LL HAVE YOU KNOW THAT I'M TALLER THAN PIPPIN!"

"ARE NOT!"

"AM TOO!"

All further possibility of conversation was obliterated by Merry's attempt to bite Pippin's ear off. crash, bang

"Aren't they cute," muttered Sam.

A more devious person, or persons, or hobbits, as it were, might have made a few choice comments about Sam at that juncture. But Merry and Pippin just settled for going "YAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA!" And launching themselves at him, which, in the long run, proved to be just as effective.

Chaos reigned supreme.

"—Your just jealous cause you were a bad leader—"

"—Bullshit. I was a fine leader, and if you could hear what some of your dead countrymen say about you—"

"—Sparks FLEW between the two of you—"

"—You're acting like somebody's jealous high school boyfriend. Was there some sort of fine print on our marriage liscense that had some sort of jealousy clause in it?—"

"—_I_ killed more orcs than _you_—"

"—Will you just shut up, you ultra-hygenic asshole—"

Bonk, crash

"SHUT UP!!!!!!!!!" roared Gandalf.

Silence.

"_I_ will go in there first!" He glowered, pulled the hem of him Robe up over his feet and stepping onto the lip of the incredibly unappealing hole. "Butts up," he sighed, taking the plunge (literally).

_Dark, icy water closed over Gandalf's head_…actually not. He landed in water, but it was only knee-deep. After miraculously not breaking his thigh bones, he called up "ALL CLEAR," but was interrupted by sam.

"Huh," said Sam, in a sagely way.

"Huh what?"

"I have that rope Galadriel gave me."

"SAM!" chorused everyone.

Minutes later, Aragorn was being lower into the sub-subterrainian tunnel with Boromir floating beside him.

"Um…technical difficulties, guys…just a minute."

Aragorn shifted uncomfortably and mustered as much dignity as one can when one is suspended in midair like a giant spider. Boromir did much the same thing, but finally…

"Aragorn?"

"Hm?"

"I—I'm sorry." The way he was said it gave Aragorn a flashback to high school when one of his best friends said 'Ar…I'm gay,'in that it was clearly something he had never said before, and something that he was slightly uncomfortable saying, and yet at the same time knew it was the right thing to do. "You're the best king anyone could ever ask for. Even me." His voice cracked on 'me' and his manly-man front burst like a dam over which many tears spilled.

"Boromir," said Aragorn "You don't have to be a king or walk on water or glow in the dark (and you do). You're the finest man and the greatest ghost I know." By this time he was sobbing.

"You crying?" sobbed Boromir.

"No. You?" Aragorn wept.

"No," sniffed Boromir.

Once they had gotten a handle on themselves, they turned and faced each other.

"Yeah," said Boromir in his most macho, couldn't-care-less tone.

"So do we need to hug here?" asked Aragorn in a similarly macho/couldn't-care-less tone.

"I think we're too manly," put off Boromir. Three seconds later, they were sobbing, and hugging.

"I love you, man," They sobbed. Then the 'technical difficulties were over, and they were lowered, still hugging, to the ground.

"Gandalf!" they cried simultaneously.

"Huh?" said Gandalf, who had been pulling lint from his beard.

"WE LOVE YOU!!" he was flattened into a crushing group hug.

"We're about to die, aren't we?" muttered Gandalf.

All the pairs of people who had been fighting descended similarly teary and huggy, and all immediately launched themselves into the group hug, except Faramir and Eowyn, who…well, they disappeared into the shadows.

Finally, after everyone, including Faramir and Eowyn had joined the group hug, everyone broke away for individual hugs until—

"FARAMIR!" yelped Legolas "INNAPPROPRIATE TOUCHING!"

"OOOOOOOOOOOh, my god!" yelled Faramir. "Oh, god, I'm sorry, Legolas!"

"Oh god,"gasped Legolas, casting around for a paper bag to breathe into "Faramir, tell me you mistook me for Eowyn…PLEEEEASE tell me you mistook me for Eowyn (wow, there's a request I never thought I'd make)."

"Yes," said Faramir, slowly. "Yes. I had water (Read: tears. He didn't say that part. Or that part. Or—know what? I'm gonna stop now. I could go on like that all day.) in my eyes, and I saw the blonde hair, and I assumed you were Eowyn."

Then everyone continued hugging until—

"Um…guys?" said Sam.

"Hm?" said some unidentified person.

"Do we do this to much?"

"Do what?" asked Boromir, throwing his arms around Eowyn.

"Hug?" For the first time, all of the alleged manly men who were hugging each other got a good look at each other. All of them hastily broke apart, and shook hand/high fived in their lame, cool-guy fashion. Then there was a reeeeeally long silence.

"Well," said Aragorn, clearing his throat "That could have been awkward."

"Hey guys!" chirruped Pippin cheerfully "Look what I have!" There, in Pippin's grasp, was yet another large shopping cart. "Get in, everyone!"

This was all good and well, until they tried to get it started. That didn't work. 'That' being 'absolutely nothing.' Even Gandalf whacking it with his staff didn't help.

Eowyn said something, but her voice was muffled by someone sitting on her in the cramped shopping cart.

"What?" asked Gimli.

"I said move. Get off me, Pippen. Shove over, Aragorn. FOR THE LOVE OF GOD FARAMIR, STOP GROPING! THE MOMENT IS OVER!"

This outburst caused all the men to be meekly obedient. Eowyn stepped out of the shopping cart looking very pleased with herself.

"What're you doing?" asked Gandalf, completely disgruntled that his fantabulously-amazing-whoosh-poof-ooh-ah staff whackage had failed.

"Pushing this cart the old-fashioned way," Eowyn informed him, giving it one large, hefty push. That worked. In fact, in worked so well that it took off at 100 mph, with Eowyn still clinging to the handle bars, like a large and extremely profane wind sock.

As soon as the combined efforts of Boromir and Legolas had gotten Eowyn back into the cart, they noticed that they seemed to have a sound track—

I said, young man, when you're short on your dough.  
You can stay there, and I'm sure you will find  
Many ways to have a good time.

It's fun to stay at the y-m-c-a.  
It's fun to stay at the y-m-c-a.

They have everything for you men to enjoy,  
You can hang out with all the boys ...

"Nooooooooooooooo…" groaned Aragorn


End file.
